seems like i just continue to want to hold on to the negativity. where does the will to change/want come from ? how does it change from the general apatheticness of what i seem to feel on a regular basis ? what will i be like when i am older if i am this bad when i am not even 40?although i think what would be different if we had actually moved/made transition to central valley area. would like be dramatically different ? probably not, but then why is it so hard to let go of ? maybe is not really that hard and just think that it is.