Rant...?

so its 4 in the morning...i cant sleep. i also have been having dreams about me dying in different ways, or me being in the hospital for the past week or so. oddly enough i love these dreams...the worst part about them is waking up to find out that i am really not dead. also i have been trying to kill myself for a couple of days. except everytime that i get close enough i chicken out. i just cant seem to do it. i know that if i keep trying ill eventually suceed. cant wait till then to tell you the truth...another thing, if all that isnt awesome enough, today i went to a hospital that i have been to for suicidal stuff. i wasnt there for me, my friend had an appointment there. but that just reminded me of everything that i have already gone through, and how much i actually miss the hospital....i wanna go back but i know i cant...yay for me right?.....yeah....i feel so fucking lost right now...im fucking scared as hell of my future, of everything it envolves...going to more school...getting a job...living by myself or for myself...i cant see myself doing it....its not that normal teenage fear or anything....i really cannot see myself in a year or so...hopefully i will be dead by then....everytime i am on a bridge i want it to collapse...or if im in a car i wanna get into an accident...things like that...my sleep has totally changed...one day ill sleep 15 hours, the next, i wont sleep at all. sometimes i stay up will like 7 in the morning and sleep till 7 at night...its all fucked up...my eating has changed as well....i either dont eat much at all or i pig out...ugh im disgusting...anyways....fortunatly everyone around me thinks i am getting better...i dont tell them when i am depressed anymore so it looks that way...i only let myself cry when im alone...i am also so frustrated...i am confused on my gender...confused about my relashionship with my girlfriend...confused about what i want to do about college...confused about myself in sooooo many other ways...i just dont give a fuck anymore...screw it...itll be over soon hopefully...i just dont know what to do anymore...i dont even know why i am typing this....i just want to be locked away and be forgotten or just die...if you managed to read all of that then kudos to you...