Weekend

I have a three day weekend from school. It sucks. I can't be at home for that long. Well not that I can't I just don't want to. It is 1.) sooooo boooring and 2.) frustrating. I have literally nothing to do at my home, I spend like hours staring at my ceiling. Then my thoughts start to run. That is when the urge to hurt myself is stronger than normal. I also start thinking and fanasizing about killing myself, hurting myself, ect. Like sometimes I'll imagine what it feels like to jump of a really high bridge,cliff, or building, how it feels to be falling to my death, feeling the wind on my face for the last time. Or sometimes I will think about how it would feel to shoot myself. I would make a little story/movie in my head, buying the gun, only buying one bullet, then I would, for some reason my mind keeps causing me to think of this way, go to my school social workers house, sit on his front steps, and try to shoot myself. I say try because normally, in my mind movie, he ends up coming home when I am about to pull the trigger, and he tries to talk me out of it. I usually scream back at him, tears streaming down my face, and then sometimes (it varies) I either end up shooting myself, or he ends up getting the gun from me and I just collapse, crying. Sometimes I even fantasize about going to the hospital. I have already been, for suicidal stuff, so I know what it is like. For some reason I really want to go back, but I don't know why. Everytime I picture that though, I always (in the fantasy) end up not eating, sleeping, talking, or responding to anything. I just sit in my bed, either staring blankly at something, or siting with my head on my knees. These kind of things run through my head all the time. I can't stop them. Part of me doesn''t even want to. I don't know why but part of me likes these feelings and I know that its stupid but its true.