i haven't written in such a long time but I'm having such a major anxiety over what is supposed to be no big deal. my friend/secret unrequited love has finally called me to say that she's okay. i was right, her parents found out about her boyfriend and pulled her out of school and sent her to Pakistan for 2 months. she wasn't allowed to make any phones calls and there was even talk of her getting married over there to this 30 year old, she's 17 by the way. i missed her so much and now that she's back i actually went to see her, we hugged for ever, i wanted to kiss her and cuddle and hold her, but she doesn't know how i feel about her and she's straight... it's funny, sometimes i forget I'm not.
anyways, what i thought was going to be a light discussion filled with laughter and merriment turned into an awkward event filled with personal questions and deep discussion. that's always what i loved about her, her ability to see right through me, and i wish i was ready to tell her who i am exactly, i know she could handle it, but I'm just not ready. she says to me " i knew from the moment we met you were hide something from me, that i wasn't seeing all of you" she was right, no one ever sees who i really am and not many ever really will. i wanted to open up, just spill it all out and say everything that was on my nind, but i held back, i always hold back and she could see it. she told me she wanted us to be one person, a single mind that would shared everything between ourselves. i want that, i know i do, but i have so many secrets that i wish i didnt.
 
i'm scared that when i tell her the truth, i'll corrupt that innocent perspective she has of me. i'm scared that i'll change what we have and i like what we have. but more than that, more than anything, i'm scared of a repeat of what happened with my other friend. the only other friend who knows me, the real me.
it changed us, she asked questions any sane person should ask, questions you would expect if you had just told someone what you had. and when i cant provide the appropriate answer, what then, she'll have no choice but to assume the, worst. i know this because she is a complete duplicate of this other friend i have. they think identically to each other and are always fighting for my attention and every time i think i can tell her, i get these aggressive,  invasive flashbacks of arguments and regrettable moments i had with my other friend. i dont want to rise her innocence over my issues. just writing with them in mind makes me anxious and sweaty... i cant do this...
i see my other friend tomorrow after not seeing her for a long time, she usually calls or emails me but she hasn't and sometimes i prefer it that way. we both need breaks from each other for a while. whenever i dont see her on a regular basis i get anxious and parinoid over it, it makes me not want to see her, the feeling is terrible. i think i get that way because i dont know what i'm going to feel when i see her.
I'm stuck,  somewhere between loving her as more than a friend, and wanting her dead and some days she's all i want, all the time, and whats different with her than the friend i previously mentioned is that this one is bi and she's not worried about how close we get to each other physically. we lay on top of each other stroke each others hair, faces, just touch and be merry kind of thing so i never feel i have to hold back to much with her.and when i love her we really enjoy each others company,  but when i hate her, i want nothing to do with her, i'll come in to school that day and just say "no, dont want to play today" and she'll leave me alone, she calls it my "moods" and my body language towards her and everything will just change, as though we were never friends. i hate that i do it and yet i cant help the way i feel... i see her tomorrow and i'm actually a little frightened. i dont want to see her, and yet i dont want to go another minute without seeing her face...