thank you

The house is very quiet this morning as I dring my third cup of coffee.  Steve is sleeping and I am concerned about him. But I have been that way for a long time now.  The cancer is growing and it has been stable for so long. I am grateful that I have each of you to pour my heart out to.  I would be lying if I told you I was not afraid. My faith is strong, maybe not strong enough. The Bible tells us not to worry,  I know death will come in God's timing. Mine and Steve's.  So why am I doing the worrying thing?
He is concerned, not  afraid. He comes to bed later than me most every night.  He always wakes me up and I can tell that is when he is most tense.  He tells me over and over that he loves me and I know that he is nervous. I usually rub his back until he drops off to sleep.  I don't worry about finances because he has provided for me,  I don't worry about the here after because I know we will go to heaven.  I worry about being so alone. I have children who love me and a church that will support me. I have many friends around me.  I have all of you, who I depend on daily.  So why do I let myself get a little crazy like I am this morning. The unknown is a scary thought.  Forgive me if I am such a downer today!!  
On a much lighter note I had a wonderful phone call last night. It was from my good friend Carol. Most of you know that she lost her dear husband Art last year and she is such an inspiration to all of us.  I was so happy to put a voice with that wonderful supportive cyber friend. We are getting together with Linda and Ingrid this fall.  It will be a time of joy and reflection for all of us. I would love to meet so many of you.  Maybe one day. As my Day would say "Lord willing and the creek don't rise".  Funny how we remember some of the things our parents use to say.  Carol laughed a little at my southern accent.  I don't think I have one, but yall know what I mean.
I send my love to each and every person reading this. I am praying for you all and please remember my baby Steve.  All 250 pounds of him!!
Love and prayers,
Wanda

Replies

tmcgraw
tmcgraw

Wanda
Your fears and concerns are normal . May God send to you and Steve a miracle along with that peace that passes our understanding . Much Love , Pam
deleted_user
deleted_user

you won\'t be lonely youll have all of us. who knows Steve might be the one have to worry about being lonely.(oh I guess God knows) and he will let you both know the answere to that in his time. Hugs&Prayers,Donna
deleted_user
deleted_user

Wanda! Keep on writing!
What is so overwhelming now will recede, like the tides in the ocean. Someone said that to me and it was a lot of comfort. You are in my prayers A
LSMS
LSMS

Dearest Wanda, I sure like what Angora just said about \"the tides in the ocean\"... It is true, from my experience, fear and worry comes in waves and we slowly but surely accept this ocean of life. The unknown (life without our loved one) is a terrifying thought. No matter how much you justify the reality (friends, family, security), it doesn\'t help with the pain of anticipating such a great loss. I encourage you to try to focus on the present moment Wanda. You have Steve now and he is able to tell you he loves you. This is the greatest gift you have...so use all your energy to embrace that gift and try not to use your precious energy to worry about the unknown of the future. I know this is not easy, but keep bringing yourself back to the \"now\" when you find yourself drifting away. You are stronger than you know. I am keeping you and Steve in my prayers. Love, Linda
janalM
janalM

Wanda, worring is normal, the fear of being alone is normal. I have been that way for over 2 years, and I still don\'t like it. But it sounds like you have a wonderful support system. Isn\'t it funny, your dad and mine both with the God willing and the creek don\'t rise. Its odd what we remember isn\'t it. I believe in miracles and will continue to pray for one. Load of hugs to you and all 250 pounds of Steve. Jane
meriel
meriel

Dear Wanda - this state of being worried is just one of those things that comes along with the cancer diagnosis I think. I remember when D was ill over Christmas, and mum said, \"well, are you worried? Take him to A+E if you\'re worried.\" My answer - \"I\'m always worried\". But I wonder does it really help them? To live in a state of worry is to let things pass us by...I think I\'m possibly telling myself this, rather than you! But your baby WILL be ok dear Wanda, he WILL. And you will face whatever you have to.
And about your fall visit with the girls - ooh what fun! Let me come in spirit!!
Wanda - I wish you and Steve a happy happy weekend. Do something lovely together
all my love,Meriel
perplexed46
perplexed46

Dear sweet Wanda, It must be very hard to not let the future worry you, just remember God holds our future in His hands! I\'ll be thinking of you & Steve and praying for a miracle for you guys. Cherish every moment!

Love & hugs,
Lois
msgrace
msgrace

Hello Darlin!
Hate to hear that your dear Steve is feeling anxious and nervous. He\'s hung in there 12+ years...so sure he\'ll continue to do it. As the other dear friends have said, try to concentrate only on today and leave the worries of tomorrows to our good Lord. His shoulders are so much stronger than ours.

Yep! We\'re going to have one special time with Linda and Carol. Can\'t tell you how excited I am about it. It\'s so great to have this to look forward to.

Hang in there, my dear friend. Today is a gift...tomorrow is a dream.

I love you,
Ingrid
txkiki53
txkiki53

Hey Wanda, wish I was there to give you a big Texas hug! I so understand, my husband has a bad heart along with several other illnesses and there are days I come home from work wondering if he will still be here. I like you would be terrified to be a lone. Then I realize only in God\'s time are we brought home to him and I try and do my best to cherish each day what ever it brings. Even tho it is very hard and my circumstances are different than yours. You are so strong and really do have a good support system, but even with all that it is hard. I have found that when anxiety and worry knock at my door of life, if the door is opened by prayer, no one is there! God\'s cure for worry is always prayer.. Which I am sure you know this. Bottom line is that it is okay to feel crazy... but always reach out to your friends to get you through the hard times. Luv & Hugs Annette
kkzimm
kkzimm

Hi Wanda, I know what you mean about the worry. It happens to me when my mind races ahead of the day. I think we all learn to walk through this journey step by step, we just get in trouble when our minds go too far ahead. Enjoy the moment you are in, focus on that, be with Steve in the moment and hand the worries over to God. Love, Karen
Torant
Torant

Wanda, you are able to share your thoughts, worries and fears with others. It is very painful for me to acknowledge the fears, almost as if the fear will create the reality. Being alone on this earth, without Ron, is my greatest fear. I have God, but he doesn\'t sit down and eat dinner with me...(Forgive me God, I know you could...but you don\'t.) As I said earlier, this is too painful. Just wanted you to know I was thinking about you. Vernell
deleted_user
deleted_user

Hi Gloria, I understand where you are coming from, everytime I feel like we are making progress, another setback. I keep reminding myself to stay in the now, its very hard to do. Prayers for you and Steve God Bless!
Angelpuss
Angelpuss

Dearest Wanda,
I have been away and I am so sory to hear your news. I know that you and Steve, with your love for each other and your faith, will get through this latest problem. Try not to think of the \"what ifs\" and take each day as it comes - much easier to say than do, I know. A nurse said to me many years ago, \"God can see around corners but we can\'t.\"
I am keeping you and Steve in my thoughts and prayers.
Sending you both love, hugs and str4ngth
Angel
txkiki53
txkiki53

Wanda,
Many prayers to you and Steve for a quick appoinment to to get past this. Isn\'t the waiting game such fun... NOT!!! anyway, big hugs and prayers from Texas... luv ya, Annette