thinking
When I am down and teary, Joe will ask me if I am okay. I tell him "I'm thinking". He knows what I mean. After 6 years it still hurts him that he can't make it better.
But this evening, I am thinking about this journey. It is 6.5 years. I am thinking that "I have come a long way baby". But I still fall in to the hole from time to time. The difference now is that I know that I will come out of that hole. Since I have had depression on and off for most of my life, I am hypersensitive to mood changes. It was downright scary at first. My son, Andrew and I made a pact the day Lisa died that neither of us would do anything stupid i.e. kill ourselves - depression runs in my family - Andrew has it too.
It wasn't easy in the beginning. I had lost my daughter, and best friend. She had my future planned out. I really felt like I suddenly had no future. How could I survive when I was living my worst nightmare? Even today, I wonder about my future. My son, God bless him, will do his very best to ensure that we have a comfortable dotage, but it will not be the same. I know I am blessed to have a loving (though eccentric) son.
So I am thinking how lucky I am to have found For Moms Only. I think Lisa led me here very early on. I was sitting at her kitchen table when I felt the need to find someone who understood, and I found Dally Strength, and the next day there was a message from Barbara suggesting that FMO might be able to help me. Yes, Lisa knew what I needed. I am sure she and Barbara are good friends.
I am thinking of the retreat in October. Branson Landing: October 7 - 9. I am so looking forward to a wonderful weekend of healing.
Our motto this year is 'They want us to be happy. Live, love, laugh'. Lisa loved to laugh. She too suffered from depression - but her greatest joy was to make people laugh. Her friends remember her as the one who could light up the room; the one who knew just what to say when they were down. I miss her soooo much.
I am sitting here sipping wine with tears of sadness and joy - thankful that I have a place where I can express how I feel. I am blessed.
Lisa: You sang to me this evening. I heard you. You know I miss you always and love you forever, Mummy
But this evening, I am thinking about this journey. It is 6.5 years. I am thinking that "I have come a long way baby". But I still fall in to the hole from time to time. The difference now is that I know that I will come out of that hole. Since I have had depression on and off for most of my life, I am hypersensitive to mood changes. It was downright scary at first. My son, Andrew and I made a pact the day Lisa died that neither of us would do anything stupid i.e. kill ourselves - depression runs in my family - Andrew has it too.
It wasn't easy in the beginning. I had lost my daughter, and best friend. She had my future planned out. I really felt like I suddenly had no future. How could I survive when I was living my worst nightmare? Even today, I wonder about my future. My son, God bless him, will do his very best to ensure that we have a comfortable dotage, but it will not be the same. I know I am blessed to have a loving (though eccentric) son.
So I am thinking how lucky I am to have found For Moms Only. I think Lisa led me here very early on. I was sitting at her kitchen table when I felt the need to find someone who understood, and I found Dally Strength, and the next day there was a message from Barbara suggesting that FMO might be able to help me. Yes, Lisa knew what I needed. I am sure she and Barbara are good friends.
I am thinking of the retreat in October. Branson Landing: October 7 - 9. I am so looking forward to a wonderful weekend of healing.
Our motto this year is 'They want us to be happy. Live, love, laugh'. Lisa loved to laugh. She too suffered from depression - but her greatest joy was to make people laugh. Her friends remember her as the one who could light up the room; the one who knew just what to say when they were down. I miss her soooo much.
I am sitting here sipping wine with tears of sadness and joy - thankful that I have a place where I can express how I feel. I am blessed.
Lisa: You sang to me this evening. I heard you. You know I miss you always and love you forever, Mummy
Replies
I swear Billy lead me here....I am really not sure how I found FMO but am so very greatful I did!!!! Hugs, Ann
Sending you and Lisa a big hug and lots of love. I have those terrible days 12yrs later.
Thinking of you tonight, Marlene & sending hugs to you & your beloved Lisa.
Donna
I don\'t know if Jason sent me here. I know that I found this group, truly a lifesaver for me, out of desperation and fear. Desperation because no one in a position of power, and I mean, no one, had anything to offer me. I was so close to taking that next step to stop the pain that it was almost a last ditch attempt for help. And honestly, since the first day I found you amazing, kind, gentle and super understanding women, there has been progress. Gentle, gentle progress and, in the back of my mind I always feel that I can reach out to someone who understands.
I love that Lisa sings to you. I love that you sip on your wine, with tears in your eyes and find a sense of gratefulness in your heart.
I love you my friend,
Merrilee
How refreshing to look to the future. With six plus years it\'\'s possible for you and your Joe to have the fortitude to live, love and laugh. There are still times of reflection and yearning for dearest Lisa. Her song for your heart so lovingly heard. Feeling your tear on my own cheek some days.
Sending you a tender hug with love,
Debbie
I know what you mean, Marlene. I was looking forward to enjoying my son in my elderly years & I know he would have looked after me too. But it is not to be. It will be 7 years in September since Ed left for Heaven and I am grateful for the years I had with him and the healing I\'ve experienced since the worst day of my life. And you are so right; what a gift FMO was and is. May you hear Lisa sing often and feel her close by. Love to you and precious Lisa, Linda
Dearest Marlene, You have put my thoughts into words and I hope to continue trying to Live Laugh and Love in honor of our girls. Wishing you some peace today. Love, Kathy
Our daughters did bring us together,,, I\'m sure,, and I am so grateful they did. love ya!
Such a sweet entry. I do think our children guide us the best they are able to help us find healing and to celebrate their lives not their deaths. It is so very difficult in the beginning but slowly we do \"come a long way baby\". I would always choose to have my son back on earth but I have met so many wonderful friends and done things I would have never done had he not passed. Those are tender mercies that remind me I am still so very blessed. \" Think\" often Marlene and her your sweet Lisa singing. Much love. Robin
Live, Love, Laugh... What a powerful mantra and motto for the 2016 retreat and for daily living. I too often wonder how FMO found me, yet am forever grateful that I have a soft place to land where I am held in understanding and love. I just haven\'t found it anywhere else and that is why I land here to remember that I am NOT alone and that we have one another to walk with through the brambles, the thickets and at times into those peace filled clearings as well.
I appreciate your thoughts and they resonate for me with a full heart. Thank you for expressing them dearest Marlene. You are indeed such a special woman and friend to us all.
Love to your singer and best pal, Lisa, and to her mum from Douglas and me,
XO Joanie
Ahhh, dear friend, also 6 and a half years of this journey, and it does get easier. Though, there are days when I feel so broken by my loss, that it\'s hard to get up and get going. Our futures are very different now. I always thought I\'d have the company of my Jacob.....and now, I don\'t even have the joy of loving his children.
Glad that you came here, and so did I. It\'s been a relief to share our terrible burdens. Love, Abby
love and big hugs!
Wonderful journal and so inspirational.
thank you, Marlene
Thank you so much for this inspiring journal. I, too, have severe depression. My husband doesn\'t understand why he can\'t \"fix\" me. He seems to think if I would just find a hobby or something I would feel better. So glad we all found DS and can \"really\" express how we feel instead of \"I am fine\" like I say to everybody else. I know your Lisa is so special...Missing My Jeff.
Hugs,
Nell
Lots of love and warm hugs, Marlene. xxx