home again
I am rambling again. I won't be insulted if you chose not to read this journal.
We arrived home on Tuesday and I am actually not really feeling jet lagged. The downside is, I have a rotten cough. Portugal was wonderful, but I wish it hadn't sent me home sick!
I had some time to think about my life and what I want to do for the rest of it. I decided that I am not at all enjoying being on our condo board. When I got home, I resigned. I want to do things that are meaningful. I know that making decisions on behalf of the residents is important but I have been on it long enough - time for others to take over.
Andrew is in Los Angeles meeting with producers - he has an agent and would like to write for TV. He has been encouraged in the past - told he is a great writer, but always there is a reason he is not hired. He is currently writing script for video games - he is good at it but funnily enough, he doesn't really care for video games! He is going to a video game convention next month in San Francisco representing his company. It is ironic as I am sure there are a lot of people who would love to be sent to San Fran to a video game convention, all expenses paid!
I am worried about Cevyn. I am concerned that she is going off the rails again. She has been evasive on the phone. I am a true worrier. I know I can't fix it and that is the frustrating part. She really needs a mom.
I regret that I didn't interfere more after Lisa died. I really thought Harvey would step up. I was so much of a basket case that I was no help at all. I have to remind myself that I did the best that I could at the time. I am still doing the best I can do, but why do I feel like I am failing?
Lisa: I am having a bit of a tough time right now. Please watch over your baby girl and point her in the right direction. She needs you.
I miss you always and love you forever, Mummy
We arrived home on Tuesday and I am actually not really feeling jet lagged. The downside is, I have a rotten cough. Portugal was wonderful, but I wish it hadn't sent me home sick!
I had some time to think about my life and what I want to do for the rest of it. I decided that I am not at all enjoying being on our condo board. When I got home, I resigned. I want to do things that are meaningful. I know that making decisions on behalf of the residents is important but I have been on it long enough - time for others to take over.
Andrew is in Los Angeles meeting with producers - he has an agent and would like to write for TV. He has been encouraged in the past - told he is a great writer, but always there is a reason he is not hired. He is currently writing script for video games - he is good at it but funnily enough, he doesn't really care for video games! He is going to a video game convention next month in San Francisco representing his company. It is ironic as I am sure there are a lot of people who would love to be sent to San Fran to a video game convention, all expenses paid!
I am worried about Cevyn. I am concerned that she is going off the rails again. She has been evasive on the phone. I am a true worrier. I know I can't fix it and that is the frustrating part. She really needs a mom.
I regret that I didn't interfere more after Lisa died. I really thought Harvey would step up. I was so much of a basket case that I was no help at all. I have to remind myself that I did the best that I could at the time. I am still doing the best I can do, but why do I feel like I am failing?
Lisa: I am having a bit of a tough time right now. Please watch over your baby girl and point her in the right direction. She needs you.
I miss you always and love you forever, Mummy
Replies
So glad you got a call from Cevyn. I too am a worrier by nature. I am getting a bit better as I remind myself frequently that I am not in control on in control of my reaction to the things that happen. I\'m glad that you realized that you did do enough. Hope that cold doesn\'t last too long. Much love. Robin
We all carry regrets....I see my family falling apart and think I could have done more to help them after Ken left us...yet as you said how could we be there when we ourselves were barely able to make it through the day....I sometimes wonder if our \"whys\" of the lost of our child turn into the \"whys\" we didn\'t be there for ones we now see struggling....but the truth.....we couldn\'t....our hearts were so broken...we were and are broken moms....we lost our child....a broken hearted mom only holding on by our fingertips...I am sure you did what you could at the time....we have traveled this road together almost since day one..We can do the \"if only\" I would have been there for others, but truth we weren\'t even there for ourselves. You gave to Cevyn as much as you could....and as you I wish I had felt I had been there more for my grandchildren and children....just know when our hearts are broken in pieces, we can only give so much....I know you gave, you cared and she knows you did too...love to you..Sandi