home again
I am rambling again. I won't be insulted if you chose not to read this journal.
We arrived home on Tuesday and I am actually not really feeling jet lagged. The downside is, I have a rotten cough. Portugal was wonderful, but I wish it hadn't sent me home sick!
I had some time to think about my life and what I want to do for the rest of it. I decided that I am not at all enjoying being on our condo board. When I got home, I resigned. I want to do things that are meaningful. I know that making decisions on behalf of the residents is important but I have been on it long enough - time for others to take over.
Andrew is in Los Angeles meeting with producers - he has an agent and would like to write for TV. He has been encouraged in the past - told he is a great writer, but always there is a reason he is not hired. He is currently writing script for video games - he is good at it but funnily enough, he doesn't really care for video games! He is going to a video game convention next month in San Francisco representing his company. It is ironic as I am sure there are a lot of people who would love to be sent to San Fran to a video game convention, all expenses paid!
I am worried about Cevyn. I am concerned that she is going off the rails again. She has been evasive on the phone. I am a true worrier. I know I can't fix it and that is the frustrating part. She really needs a mom.
I regret that I didn't interfere more after Lisa died. I really thought Harvey would step up. I was so much of a basket case that I was no help at all. I have to remind myself that I did the best that I could at the time. I am still doing the best I can do, but why do I feel like I am failing?
Lisa: I am having a bit of a tough time right now. Please watch over your baby girl and point her in the right direction. She needs you.
I miss you always and love you forever, Mummy
We arrived home on Tuesday and I am actually not really feeling jet lagged. The downside is, I have a rotten cough. Portugal was wonderful, but I wish it hadn't sent me home sick!
I had some time to think about my life and what I want to do for the rest of it. I decided that I am not at all enjoying being on our condo board. When I got home, I resigned. I want to do things that are meaningful. I know that making decisions on behalf of the residents is important but I have been on it long enough - time for others to take over.
Andrew is in Los Angeles meeting with producers - he has an agent and would like to write for TV. He has been encouraged in the past - told he is a great writer, but always there is a reason he is not hired. He is currently writing script for video games - he is good at it but funnily enough, he doesn't really care for video games! He is going to a video game convention next month in San Francisco representing his company. It is ironic as I am sure there are a lot of people who would love to be sent to San Fran to a video game convention, all expenses paid!
I am worried about Cevyn. I am concerned that she is going off the rails again. She has been evasive on the phone. I am a true worrier. I know I can't fix it and that is the frustrating part. She really needs a mom.
I regret that I didn't interfere more after Lisa died. I really thought Harvey would step up. I was so much of a basket case that I was no help at all. I have to remind myself that I did the best that I could at the time. I am still doing the best I can do, but why do I feel like I am failing?
Lisa: I am having a bit of a tough time right now. Please watch over your baby girl and point her in the right direction. She needs you.
I miss you always and love you forever, Mummy
Replies
Ah, so glad you had a fun time in Portugal and are home, sorry about the cold. Just take care of it. We ALL have the same regrets, even though we did what we could it just is. Take care, rose
Hi Marlene,
Hope your cough gets better soon! Also, sorry to hear about your worries re: Cevyn. Hope things work out ok with her & for her. Don\'t feel bad about being a \'basket case\' after you lost Lisa. We\'re ALL basket cases when we lose our kids. I know you did do the best you could. That\'s what we all try to do even though the universe has just crashed down around us. Heaven knows, that\'s what it\'s like.
Sending prayers & positive thoughts for your peace of mind & Cevyn\'s well-being. Take care of yourself.
Love & Hugs,
Donna
I don\'t think that we can help to worry or feel as if we are failing, I believe it is part of our DNA. It is so very hard to watch our children and grandchildren take paths that we are sure will end up causing them heartache and pain, yet being totally helpless in directing them to a better one. All we an do is be there for them when they need us. I remember my mother trying to warn me against some of the paths that I have traveled and I thought I knew it all and didn\'t listen. It\'s a sad realization that we only learn from OUR mistakes and not others. We are all destined to travel out own path in this life, so please be kind to yourself and know that you are doing what is best at this point in time, for where you are and what you know! I sure hope that you feel better soon and that Andrew will get some time to enjoy San Fran while he is there, big hugs....Kathy
Cevyn called shortly after I posted this journal. We talked for a long time. I feel much better now. She reassured me that she was getting her \"crap together\". She is moving to a small town outside of Ottawa (Perth) and going to be sharing a house with 2 friends. She is job hunting there so fingers crossed she finds work there. Now I can sleep soundly. Thank you for the words of encouragement. It means a lot.
I\'m glad you had a good trip and hope you feel better soon. So glad Cevyn called and you are feeling better about her. Please try to be gentle with yourself. We are all doing the best we can and that is all we can do. Hugs, Paula
I\'m so glad that Cevyn called and gave you some relief from your worrying. It\'s torture to witness problems in your loved one and not be able to help them. I\'ve been then many times.
Hope you are feeling better soon. I am glad my grand daughters are 10 they are at an age that is easier than the teen years. I know as they get older they will be more self thinkers and move further from grand ma advise. I sure enjoy them. I am glad Cevyn is getting her act together, it is important to you, is she closer or further away from you and Joe?
Sending love and hugs
Penny
Going away on a vacation can sure help us reflect. Seems to be where I do most of my meditating, especially if I\'m near water. I\'m impressed how you were able to see something that you\'re doing that\'s no longer adding meaning to your life. After doing a service for a while there will come a time to move on. Not saying the service is no longer important but that you\'ve done your part, now someone else can step into the role. Good for you Marlene.
When I read about Cevyn it\'s as though I\'m reading about my own granddaughter, Barbara. Those young ladies have so much in common even though they have never met. I breathed such a sigh of relief hearing you say that Cevyn called you. I love how she was reassuring you by letting you know she was getting her \"crap together\". Good for her! I only got to spend a few short hours with her in Lake Tahoe but got the sense that she is a remarkable young woman. I\'m so glad she gave you the gift of sound sleep, by letting you know how she is doing.
Love you my precious sister of the heart.
Vicki
Happy you are home safe and sound and hoping that cough will soon be a thing of the past. Traveling really hits the immune system hard I have found and most everyone here on the island comes back with at least a cold when they travel to the mainland. I believe we\'ve all become \"softies.\"
Oh, so very grateful that Cevyn called and she knows she has your love and her back. Communication is key and so often at this time of their lives it\'s on their terms. The waiting in-between can feel excruciating of that I am certain.
Knowing as each of your sisters of the heart have reminded you that you did the best you could and the beating up on ourselves is part of wearing these earth suits and why women, particularly do this, is a mystery to me.
Good for you to release what is no longer serving you and you will always be of service wherever you go my friend. That is just part of who YOU are.
Loving care and welcome home,
XO Joanie
I was so happy to see the update on Cevyn. It must be hard to be a grandmother. I am not sure I could have pulled myself together after Josh died for a grandchild. As you said, you did the best you could. I am glad you were able to think on vacation and have the time to decide what you want to do in life and what you no longer want to do. I am hoping that cough ends soon for you and you are soon in top form.
Sending love,
Leda
Hmm, teenaged girl problems, hmmm. Laughingly sounds like she needs a good smack up side her head! If you look at the fine print in the Mommy / Grandma contract one of the mandatory stipulations is that we worry. Why? Cause we can.
I am so glad that Cevyn called and that you had a good talk. I too wish that Lisa was here, guiding and pulling and fighting tooth and nail for her daughter to successfully get to the adulty side of the teen years. Please know that you are and always have done the best you could. Even if, looking in the rear view mirror, you see times that you wish could\'ve been different, each of us analyse and critique. Should\'a, would\'a could\'a...
Your cough. An old wive\'s tale that I find very effective is this. Take one or two whole cloves, crush them between your teeth and tuck the whole thing between your cheek and gum. Leave it there as long as you can, spit out and repeat. You can also do this right before you go to bed. I promise you will not choke on the pieces, in fact you\'ll probably find it in your bed in the morning but the oils in the cloves kill all the bacteria in our throat and viola, in a couple of days the cough is gone, or very nearly.
I am so glad you are letting go of things that don\'t fit you any longer.
Be well my friend,
love you
Merrilee
Hope you feel better soon. My husband is from Portugal. I have never been there but hope to visit one day. It must have alot of histoy. My 11 year old great neice seems to be acting more and more like a teen. Lol she also worries me a little. Take care of that cough. XOX, Debbie
I am happy to hear you are home, but sorry you have a cough....annoying is what that is!!! Hope you are on the road to recovery.....I, too am a worrier, even though it does absolutely no good.....I am so glad Cevyn called - makes our heart glad to hear their voice, doesn\'t it?
You did the best you could - I wasn\'t there like I would have wanted to be for Hunter, but we did what we could @ the time.....you are sure here now for Cevyn and she knows it!!!
Take good care of yourself - ((((((hugs)))) Vicki
Wonderful news regarding Cevyn. Know you did the very best you could at the time is all you can do. Cevyn knows you are there for her now.. Keep plugging away. I also have dropped a free things this year, my year of reducing. I am sure Lisa is right there walking beside you and holding Cevyn hand as she gets to figure things out. Hope she finds s job she enjoys quickly. Hugs, Ann
I have been questioning what I want for my future too. I am sure that in time it will become clear for each of us.
So glad you were able to really talk to Cevyn...such a special young lady...and I want only the best for her. The one thing I know is that YOU have been her constant through this...so I am not surprised that she finally took the time to really talk to you. You are an amazing grandmother and Lisa knows that you have always done your best. LOVE To YOU. !