11/28/2014
Read through my journals to make sure I had not already told you what he said to me a few weeks back.
About a year before we split up, we went in to bankruptcy. Chapter 13 I think..the one where you do make payments. One of the agreements in our divorce was that HE would make the payments. I couldnt afford to go half on it and he said he'd planned to do it and it was mostly his, blah blah blah.
A good while back..I forget when, he got behind and it got kicked out, meaning we were no longer in bankruptcy. The lawyer was able to get it reinstated pretty quickly. But, the papers specifically said if it got behind again it would be kicked out again and there would be no reinstatement.
He showed up on my doorstep a few days before I was set to leave for Baton Rouge to live. He'd gotten behind and it got kicked out again. But, the lawyer was going to file chapter 7 for us. Because we are no longer married, we have to file chapter 7 separately-he was going to pay the lawyer for both of us. Ok, I said fine.
That night I started looking at the papers more closely and I became worried about a couple of things involving my money. I sent him a text about it and asked him to talk to the lawyer to make sure I was protected. He said I should go see the lawyer. I reminded him that I was in the process of moving and I didnt have time. I told him "you broke it, you fix it"
He went off on me. "Said" (texted) horrible things. Accused me of wanting revenge. Wanting to get even with him by making sure he was destitute and homeless to fill the hole in my heart..etc etc. I cannot describe how that hurt. In all the years I've known him, I've never done that. Every time he wanted someone else, I just got out of the way and rebuilt my life. I've never ever done anything to get back at him.
I've never known him to be so mean and say such horrible things to anyone. Or about anyone. I was just so devastated. I went in to hysterics. Anyway, I told him that was not true and he owed me an apology. He started to say well, IF-i stopped him because IF is not an apology. He finally said he was sorry I didnt deserve that and he didnt mean to be like that. He just needed me to see the importance. I told him--I DO see I'm not stupid. That I didnt say I wouldnt do it, I just wanted to be protected...He calmed down and said he would talk to the lawyer, etc etc
It's not the first time he has gone off on me like hat and accused me of such terrible things. Things that are not true. I dont know where all of that is coming from. It's just so very very unlike him.
Plus, I had asked him at one point what if he filed Ch 7 and I didnt. He said then they would come after you (me). So, I really dont see how anything I did/didnt do would affect him (make him destitute, etc).
Plus he had made a remark about me "being like that" just because I was going to be inconvenienced. And he knew what I was like when my "agenda" wasnt followed (or something like that). Agenda? What agenda?
He had also told me that all my problems were my own fault because I refused to let go of the past and the future that might have been. That I refused to move on.
WTH? I'm leaving my home, my friends, everything and totally starting over. How in the hell is that not letting go?
It's been a few weeks since these things happened. For awhile I just could not talk about it because I totally break down. I just cant see where all this anger is coming from. Truthfully, I think he doesnt even like me as a person anymore. The tone of voice he uses. The look in his eyes. It's not always like that but...I just dont understand. I'm doing what he wanted...as I always have..where is this coming from
Yes, I know--no contact is the way to go. We do have to have contact now and then about the financial stuff. But that is almost over.
Everything is still so hard. I still cry myself to sleep most nights. I'm tired. I'm so tired.
About a year before we split up, we went in to bankruptcy. Chapter 13 I think..the one where you do make payments. One of the agreements in our divorce was that HE would make the payments. I couldnt afford to go half on it and he said he'd planned to do it and it was mostly his, blah blah blah.
A good while back..I forget when, he got behind and it got kicked out, meaning we were no longer in bankruptcy. The lawyer was able to get it reinstated pretty quickly. But, the papers specifically said if it got behind again it would be kicked out again and there would be no reinstatement.
He showed up on my doorstep a few days before I was set to leave for Baton Rouge to live. He'd gotten behind and it got kicked out again. But, the lawyer was going to file chapter 7 for us. Because we are no longer married, we have to file chapter 7 separately-he was going to pay the lawyer for both of us. Ok, I said fine.
That night I started looking at the papers more closely and I became worried about a couple of things involving my money. I sent him a text about it and asked him to talk to the lawyer to make sure I was protected. He said I should go see the lawyer. I reminded him that I was in the process of moving and I didnt have time. I told him "you broke it, you fix it"
He went off on me. "Said" (texted) horrible things. Accused me of wanting revenge. Wanting to get even with him by making sure he was destitute and homeless to fill the hole in my heart..etc etc. I cannot describe how that hurt. In all the years I've known him, I've never done that. Every time he wanted someone else, I just got out of the way and rebuilt my life. I've never ever done anything to get back at him.
I've never known him to be so mean and say such horrible things to anyone. Or about anyone. I was just so devastated. I went in to hysterics. Anyway, I told him that was not true and he owed me an apology. He started to say well, IF-i stopped him because IF is not an apology. He finally said he was sorry I didnt deserve that and he didnt mean to be like that. He just needed me to see the importance. I told him--I DO see I'm not stupid. That I didnt say I wouldnt do it, I just wanted to be protected...He calmed down and said he would talk to the lawyer, etc etc
It's not the first time he has gone off on me like hat and accused me of such terrible things. Things that are not true. I dont know where all of that is coming from. It's just so very very unlike him.
Plus, I had asked him at one point what if he filed Ch 7 and I didnt. He said then they would come after you (me). So, I really dont see how anything I did/didnt do would affect him (make him destitute, etc).
Plus he had made a remark about me "being like that" just because I was going to be inconvenienced. And he knew what I was like when my "agenda" wasnt followed (or something like that). Agenda? What agenda?
He had also told me that all my problems were my own fault because I refused to let go of the past and the future that might have been. That I refused to move on.
WTH? I'm leaving my home, my friends, everything and totally starting over. How in the hell is that not letting go?
It's been a few weeks since these things happened. For awhile I just could not talk about it because I totally break down. I just cant see where all this anger is coming from. Truthfully, I think he doesnt even like me as a person anymore. The tone of voice he uses. The look in his eyes. It's not always like that but...I just dont understand. I'm doing what he wanted...as I always have..where is this coming from
Yes, I know--no contact is the way to go. We do have to have contact now and then about the financial stuff. But that is almost over.
Everything is still so hard. I still cry myself to sleep most nights. I'm tired. I'm so tired.
Replies
Oh, and a few days AFTER he went off on me, I was in Baton Rouge looking for an apartment and he texted me to ask if I was planning to get one with a fireplace. WTH? Since then we have returned to almost no contact. He did contact me last weekend. He had to put one of our dogs in the hospital and the dog died the next day. We \"talked\" about that for a couple minutes and then that was all. Just when I think I\'m getting ahead of the curve, he pops up and there\'s always a valid reason...well, except for the fireplace thing. I have no idea why he sent me that message.
Hugs, honey. He is a classical case of a narcissist. Everything is your fault. He is not emotionally mature to handle the truth about himself. Please ignore his ranting and raving. You are giving him more control and power. Try to get the bankruptcy done and over with. I refused any help from that ex. I was not financially able to do so, but I did it. Used credit cards and I paid them off as soon as I could. Hugs
Knuckle is right about a narcissist never admiting they have done wrong. Its always your fault.
But you need to check on the bankruptcy yourself. Your ex has proved he can\'t be trusted. Don\'t let him leave you with all the mess he made. If you have to file on your own you can do that from Baton Rouge but check to make sure your ex is doing what he said .
Thanks all. When I\'m calm I recognize that he is being defensive. I mean the way he erupted when I told him I didnt think it a good idea to be friends on FB anymore. (this was right at the beginning). And he always treats a legitimate question as if it\'s questioning his ability or whatever. Plus, everything is always my fault but the one time he cannot blame it on me he says this is not the time to place blame. And he says \"we need to get this curse off of us\" as if the BR was something someone else did to us. I sent my papers. We will have to go to one meeting and then it will be over I think around the first of the year. I just couldnt get over how vitriolic his response was.
I divorced one like that too. Nothing was his fault; everything was my fault. Mine also said nasty things when I wouldn\'t just jump and do things when he commanded. The anger comes from the guilt. If they can bait you and make you respond, it makes them feel better, as in \"See, I was right to leave him/her. He/she is always bitching at me.\" They get to look like the good guy/girl in their own twisted minds.
I agree with Trisha--don\'t trust him to take care of the bankruptcy issue. My ex was terrible about ignoring issues, payments, etc. You don\'t want him leaving you in a financial quagmire that you can\'t get out of.
No contact was the right thing. Set those boundaries.
Sending hugs!!!