another day

I am glad yesterday is over. Yesterday I felt so awful and though I don't feel great today, there's something just a little bit better than yesterday. Thank goodness. I'll take what I can get. I just wish I knew why or what causes the ups and downs. But I guess everyone wonders about that, even when they're not clinically depressed.
I do feel a little anxious. I hate waking up and not knowing what to do with myself to fill the hours so I don't go back to sleep. My fiance is home from work today so he woke me up, had me eat and made sure I took half of the Nuvigil. I am always hesitant to take it because I know that if I have energy and can't go back to sleep, I just don't know what to do with myself. But I am doing what's "good" for me according to the doctor.
He seems to think that the Nuvigil may give me the jolt that I need to kick me out of my depression so that I won't need it in the mornings anymore. I do feel more energy when I take it, but I also feel a little nauseous and a bit anxious. So then I take lorazepam to combat the anxiety. Sigh. 
It's hard to remember back to a time when all I had to do was get up and not worry about all the meds and how they would make me feel. Or a time when I could just get up and not feel anxious about what the day ahead holds. Or a time when I didn't worry about how I was going to make it through the day without wanting to go back to bed.
My best friend reminds me at least there was a time when those things were true and that things don't remain the same. That things will change. I will not always feel this way. I made it through before and I will make it through again. At least that is what she tells me.
What I wouldn't give to believe her. She is an amazing friend and my biggest cheerleader. She unwaveringly reminds me of who I am deep inside aside from the depression and truly believes when she tells me I will be better again. Thank goodness for her and the supports I have in my life.