My fiance stayed home (he can work from home) today - for moral support. I have been feeling like I've been swinging back instead of forward. There are some "real life" things I need to deal with and we thought having him around while I try to do them would help me. When he got in to wake me up at the time I should be aiming to get up today, I was grouchy. I have never been a morning person and when I'm depressed, really not an awake person. I guess not a day person would be more accurate. I know he's doing the "right" thing in trying to help me regulate my schedule. I just feel bad that I can't seem to do it myself. No point in feeling bad though, just keep trying I guess. The thought of tackling a "real" task today has me somewhat anxious. I know I need to just do it and once I start, it won't feel so bad. That once I finish, I'll feel so much better. Like I accomplished something. I don't really get why when I "have" to do something, my brain fights it so much. Even things I "want" to do. The time gets closer and closer to when I am to do said task, I really start to not want to do it. I have been asking myself this question a lot over the years. I still have no answer. I know that growing up, there were so many rules. There were so many strict rules and schedules. There were no options. I know on a basic level, this has affected me, but can the answer be so obvious? And if so, how do I change it? I really don't know how to change it on the most basic visceral level. Generally, the only things I really want to do are the unexpected ones. I don't like it when people plan things with me. I get anxious and want to back out. I like to be able to wake up and just see how it goes. I know that the above is part of the problem with recovering from depression. Everyone tells me I need to get back to normal and get on a schedule. Normal for me is not really having a schedule. Every part of me hates having a strict schedule. I have done it in the past and adhered to it, but I always feel best when I don't know what's coming next. I guess that makes me adventurous, but right now, I feel like it's holding me back from finding ways to get better.