I'm not one to journal too often, I mean to, but somehow never get started. I do read every journal entry from my friends & try to reach out to new moms. I love looking at the photos of everyone's beloved children. So, so precious. I'm here today to ask for help. I guess I feel everything in my life now will be bittersweet. I went to a wedding the other day. A close friend of mine; her 2nd marriage to a good man. I had counseled & tutored her son who has high functioning autism for many years. Ken & i were having a great time then came the mother/son dance. I had to leave the room as I had a huge meltdown & I hate to make it "all about me" especially on Elly's day.
My other friend Vivien ran after me & held me as I sobbed & cried with me. Ken looked on helplessly. I hate this. I hate my life now. I hate that everything in my life will have a black cloud over it. I hate that my only child died at 37 from a heart attack with no family history. I hate that people smoke, drink & abuse their bodies but live until 90! I hate that my son won't see his grandchildren & that his kids have to have the bitter with the sweet at such a young age.
There is a piece of me that still hopes for more. I do want to honor God & my beloved Eddie with the rest of my life. I guess I am asking does the pain lessen? Truly? Do you ever get to the point where the loss of your child isn't the first thought you wake up with & the last thought before you, if you're lucky, fall asleep. I never will forget him but I wish I could think of him more often without so much pain attached to it.
Well anyhow, thanks for listening. I love all you beautiful ladies on this site. I wish you peace.
My other friend Vivien ran after me & held me as I sobbed & cried with me. Ken looked on helplessly. I hate this. I hate my life now. I hate that everything in my life will have a black cloud over it. I hate that my only child died at 37 from a heart attack with no family history. I hate that people smoke, drink & abuse their bodies but live until 90! I hate that my son won't see his grandchildren & that his kids have to have the bitter with the sweet at such a young age.
There is a piece of me that still hopes for more. I do want to honor God & my beloved Eddie with the rest of my life. I guess I am asking does the pain lessen? Truly? Do you ever get to the point where the loss of your child isn't the first thought you wake up with & the last thought before you, if you're lucky, fall asleep. I never will forget him but I wish I could think of him more often without so much pain attached to it.
Well anyhow, thanks for listening. I love all you beautiful ladies on this site. I wish you peace.
Replies
Thank you , Debbie. I would love to read that book. I will send you a message with my address. I do remember when you posted that quote. It is so true. Hugs, Linda
It has been 5 years since my only son Martin died of sudden unexplained death. I also get sad at the mother/son dances at weddings because I will never have a son to dance with. I have to say that even after 5 years I think about my son every minute and I think I will forever. Hugs to you. Love Camille
Thank you, Camille. I guess what I am feeling is normal. We will miss them always, Hugs, Linda
Hi Linda,
I am finding myself at a lot of Andy\'s friends\' baby showers, weddings, BBQ\'s, etc. this summer. I fall apart before each one, then screw on my mask and go forth. So far, so good. People have been almost consistently wonderful to me. I want to hear stories about him and I want to say his name, and it\'s helping me to believe that he will always be a part of our community, our family. It\'s as if he\'s gone to Jupiter and we all miss him so much. OK I did sob at one wedding, when the son was saying to his parents a speech about how grateful and lucky he was. The contrast, having just lost Andy only 11 weeks earlier, was too painful.
I hope when you need loving arms, they are there for you too.
Onward, with love,
Sarah
Thank you Sarah. I expect that these events will bring all of us pain as we miss our children. The fact that it hit so hard. I was not prepared for it. I too love when people talk about Eddie. I want our friends to keep him in our lives. Love to you