I'm not one to journal too often, I mean to, but somehow never get started. I do read every journal entry from my friends & try to reach out to new moms. I love looking at the photos of everyone's beloved children. So, so precious. I'm here today to ask for help. I guess I feel everything in my life now will be bittersweet. I went to a wedding the other day. A close friend of mine; her 2nd marriage to a good man. I had counseled & tutored her son who has high functioning autism for many years. Ken & i were having a great time then came the mother/son dance. I had to leave the room as I had a huge meltdown & I hate to make it "all about me" especially on Elly's day.
My other friend Vivien ran after me & held me as I sobbed & cried with me. Ken looked on helplessly. I hate this. I hate my life now. I hate that everything in my life will have a black cloud over it. I hate that my only child died at 37 from a heart attack with no family history. I hate that people smoke, drink & abuse their bodies but live until 90! I hate that my son won't see his grandchildren & that his kids have to have the bitter with the sweet at such a young age.
There is a piece of me that still hopes for more. I do want to honor God & my beloved Eddie with the rest of my life. I guess I am asking does the pain lessen? Truly? Do you ever get to the point where the loss of your child isn't the first thought you wake up with & the last thought before you, if you're lucky, fall asleep. I never will forget him but I wish I could think of him more often without so much pain attached to it.
Well anyhow, thanks for listening. I love all you beautiful ladies on this site. I wish you peace.
My other friend Vivien ran after me & held me as I sobbed & cried with me. Ken looked on helplessly. I hate this. I hate my life now. I hate that everything in my life will have a black cloud over it. I hate that my only child died at 37 from a heart attack with no family history. I hate that people smoke, drink & abuse their bodies but live until 90! I hate that my son won't see his grandchildren & that his kids have to have the bitter with the sweet at such a young age.
There is a piece of me that still hopes for more. I do want to honor God & my beloved Eddie with the rest of my life. I guess I am asking does the pain lessen? Truly? Do you ever get to the point where the loss of your child isn't the first thought you wake up with & the last thought before you, if you're lucky, fall asleep. I never will forget him but I wish I could think of him more often without so much pain attached to it.
Well anyhow, thanks for listening. I love all you beautiful ladies on this site. I wish you peace.
Replies
Sweetie I know how it hurts, I\'m so sorry. My most honest words after 3 1/2 years, the pain isn\'t less, I\'m just better able to deal with it, maybe thats acceptance of both Matthews death and my inability to change it, or my ability to realize I can\'t change it and must continue in this life because thats what Matthew would want me to do. No help with the first and last thoughts of my day being of Matthew, I just take them as the moment they are and think about him, pray to him and for him. Hopefully one day all of our memories of them will be without tears and pain and bring joy and smiles, but I\'m not there yet. Sending you big hugs, I\'m sure your friend understood. Love and prayers, Lynette ~ Matthews mom
Easier or acceptance? Either way, my pain has lessened over the last 23 months. I still have setbacks, and I know that is going to happen, but I have good days too. When this first happens, it seems impossible that you will ever, ever have a good day, but they will come in time. My advice is to TRY and take it one day at a time. That is all we CAN do. After all, if we could control things, we would still have our children. Sending peace, love, and tight hugs.... Barbara
Thank you Lynette & Barbara for your friendship, love & kind words of advice. I will try & take it one day at a time & also to go with my thoughts of Eddie in the morning & at night & hope they are less painful thoughts as time goes by. My friend, the bride was very understanding at the wedding as was her new hubby. I left the function room before the outburst thank goodness because I really didn\'t want to rob her of the joy of the mother/son dance with her son. I am blessed to have a few wonderful & solid friendships & The friends I have made at FMO have been a Godsend. It just helps to know I can go to a place & type & cry & noone judges. Love to you as well. Linda
Just holding you close in my heart with so much understanding. It is as the others have mentioned a moment to moment journey and some moments are so painful and others can and will be filled with a smile and perhaps joy. I look to all the moms here on FMO who are a few steps further along the path to show me the way and have learned so much by being here as well. Peace to your mother\'s heart from mine. Big hugs, Joanie P.S. Way to go for attending the wedding as those are positive steps for us and lean into all the feelings as each is as it needs to be for now. We\'re walking this path together, Linda. XXOO
Well, something changes...I know that i do not think of Alex every minute of every day...I laugh, I enjoy things...so that is better. I can be happy for others about their child marrying or having a child without breaking down...do that is better. It takes a long time and I wish with all my heart that it could be different...but I notice and appreciate the beauty of the world again. Take care and love to you...Karen
Thank you Joanie, such true words moment by moment, perhaps 1 day joy. Hope so.I believe & have faith in what other moms have said & I too have learned so much. The wedding was fun & I celebrate my friend Elly\'s joy. It is good to be even aware that now I can truly say I had fun! I appreciate your support & understanding from 1 mom\'s heart to another. love to you, Linda
Thank you Karen. Your words give me hope. Much love to you.
Linda, It is so hard to go to gatherings like weddings that bring on so much emotion. My son was at an age that his friends were starting to get married and now when they invite us to thier weddings, I go and I am happy for them, but then it is also like a stab in the heart because I know I will never have this opportunity to see mine get married or have children. It does hurt. It has been 2 1/2 years since my Chris died and I can tell you it has taken me this long to get to where I can think about his life and how lucky I was to have him for 23 years. I don\'t focus as much on his death as I did for so long. You will never forget Eddie, and the pain will always be, but I think we just learn to accept it. And the day will come when your thoughts of him will not bring pain, but happy memories. I understand and my heart is with you. Love, Kim
Linda, my heart goes out to you ....at least you tried to be there for your friend. It is nice they love you enough to understand. I am not long into this journey...not like others but I can see the bluer sky more than the black clouds on some days. It is just like the weather...this grief...it is always changing from one minute to the next. Some days we have a warning of the kind of day it will be but then when we least expect it...a downpour comes and we are unprepared.
I know you took a risk with your emotions by putting yourself \"out there\" for your friend\'s wedding...it is those kinds of occasions where our emotions are pushed to the limit. I am proud of you that you could be so selfless and caring of \"her day\"......My Brandon never had children of his own....he raised his wife\'s daughter from 17 mos....until 9 yrs old.....we feel cheated of all that could have been, too. I guess it is the way God wanted it or our sons would still be here. That is how I must look at it now.
Thank you for your kind comments on my journals. I am glad you are my friend...love, dale....brandon\'s mom
Thank you Kim & Dale for your support. Your words help so much & I am so grateful for your friendship. My emotions have been all over the place & I guess its part of the process. Love to you both.
Dear Linda, I want to offer you hope, as others have stated it never is easy, but it does get easier-if that makes any sense. You will be able to function without feeing as though your world is caving in around you, it does take time.Try focusing on today- or maybe just this hour, whatever you feel you can handle.After 4 years into my journey, I can finally feel happy again-not the happiness I knew before Mitch was killed but a new kind of happiness-a new normal so to speak.Give yourself time, congratulate yourself in the small steps you take as you continue your journey and remember we are all here surrounding you with love and strength, Your Friend, Charlene, Mitchells mom
Dear Linda, I can tell you that the stinging bite will be less in time. Or maybe Lynette is right and it is just me learning how to deal with it better. Either way, it is better.
Dear Linda,
It has not even been one year and so of course you are falling apart, ofcourse you are thinking about your son first thing when you wake up and last thing as you go to sleep. It all takes time and falling apart is part of the process. It took me about 2 years to get a bit of a grip on reality and little by little I felt the cloud lifting and the fog in my brain subsided. Be good to yourself and what helps me is living in the moment .Keep journaling for I think that helps bunches. Even if you only write a few sentences please get in the habit of daily or weekly write something on where you are at and how you are dealing with life. Hugs, Inga
Thank you all for your advice & encouragement. I believe you, Colleen & Charlene when you say it gets a bit easier or we learn to deal with it. And Inga, I will try to journal more often. I do feel better after I get it on the table so to speak & the advice everyone has given me makes sense & gives me hope. I look forward to the cloud lifting. I appreciate all the support from my dear friends. I wish you peace.
A friend who lost her daughter in May of this year to DVT with no family history sent me a book called \"Making Toast\" by Roger Rosenblatt. He is an acclaimed and prize winning essayist and author who lost his 37 year old daughter to an asymptomatic heart condition in December 2007, leaving her husband with three young children. The book is kind of a series of vignettes about his family\'s journey up through the beginning of the second year (early 2009). I found it a very hopeful book in which he describes how he, his wife, their devastated son-in-law and young children, as well as the rest of their family, do what they need to do to survive and always look for new ways to find life and joy. Yet you see the sadness and pain burbling up at unexpected times and in unexpected ways ~ as it does for all of us. I would be happy to send this book to you should you wish to read it. Just send me your address in a message.
All that being said ~ I agree ~ I hate that people who smoke, drink and do everything wrong live to 90 while our precious children get snatched from our arms way too soon! I hate that we will all have these hard moments. I\'m right there with you. I\'m grateful that your friend Vivien (a true friend indeed) was there to hold you. And I do feel confident that we will find more smiles and fewer tears in the not-too-distant future!
I\'ve posted this a number of times before but I find it so helpful. It\'s a quote from Rose Kennedy, matriarch of the Kennedy family: \"It has been said, \'time heals all wounds.\' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.\"
Sending so much love and many hugs ~ Debbie