Had another appointment with my counselor today.  Remembered some more.  I guess I've come to accept that even though I really don't want to remember, it's something I have to do.  But I'm so scared.  This is so new and confusing to me.  I don't want to believe any of it is real.  It's all just a bad dream, something that never really happened.  But I know that's not true. 
So I let myself remember.  I open the door that leads to my past.  I relive those moments so vividly that I believe I'm there again.  Going through it again.  And it hurts.  Physically.  Emotionally.  How did I survive back then, when I can hardly survive a few minutes now?  How can it seem so real?