I had an appointment with my counselor today. We did something new. It was a relaxation/hypnosis type thing; very different for me. I'm actually surprised at how well it went. I felt so much calmer and more relaxed afterwards. Took awhile to get back into the real world after though, so I was kind of in a daze for the next 1/2 hour. She's also doing something about self-hypnosis, so maybe I'll be able to control my anxiety and panic attacks a little bit better. Feeling good about that right now. At the same time, though, not doing very good. The thoughts and urges to self-harm have been hitting me a lot lately. Tonight my kitty scratched me when I picked her up to bring her to bed, and I don't know why, but it brought those thoughts back so hard. Maybe it was just seeing the blood and such, but I'm having a really hard time not hurting myself now. I also missed class this morning because I just couldn't get myself out of bed in time. That's the second class I've missed already since school started last week. I never miss class (unless there's a valid reason like I'm in the hospital or I HAVE to be somewhere else), so I'm feeling really bad about that. Feel like I can't do anything right anymore and I'm a complete failure (from missing class on top of other things). I don't know, I'm just feeling very confused right now, and I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I also have to sign a contract with my counselor every week saying I won't kill myself or hurt myself, and that I'll take my meds (since I stopped taking them once until she and my Dr. found out), and that I'll get help if I feel I can't keep the contract and such. Well, I guess she forgot that today, because we didn't sign it, and it was one of the few things keeping me from hurting myself because I'd feel so bad if I did after I had signed it. Now, though, since I didn't sign it today I feel like I really could hurt myself, and that there's nothing really stopping me anymore. The contract was hardly anything to stop me, but I guess it was just enough for the moment. Now I don't know what I'm going to do.