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Day 66 of 365 - Man Break
It's been two weeks since I wrote a journal entry. I have been super stressed. I ended up in the hospital last Tuesday with heart palpitations. The tests turned out fine and I went to the doctor yesterday and she told me they were most likely due to stress. She is sooo right ... now when I feel them it is always when I am feeling stressed. I don't know how I got to the point where I was letting things pile up so much but here is my wake up call so things have to change.
I haven't even thought about guys lately. I am having such trouble with regular relationships that men aren't even entering the picture. I am trying to be assertive because all the books say this is a great skill to have but assertiveness has gotten me no where. I was assertive with a co-worker and she hasn't talked to me for over a month now which makes work very shitty and always stressful.
Then I finally got the guts up to write my friend a letter about how I was feeling. It seems like it has always been a one-sided relationship and just to make sure I stopped being the one to call her and sure enough six months passed by before I hear from her again. And here are some of her words.
"Tara, you make me so mad. Stop putting this on me. Can you not read. You are so stuck on " poor Tara" that you can't see what is happening. You have written me such nasty notes, one when I was in the hospital for shit sakes, give it up. Take a deeper look at yourself, and stop putting it on other people. I'm sorry put enough is enough. Good bye."
In my defense I had no idea she had been in the hospital (it was for something minor) since she hadn't talked to me for six months. Mind you this is a friend I lived next door to all my life. We were like sisters. Her words just make me feel like shit and angry all at the same time.
Saying I'm acting like "poor Tara" is what hurt the most because I'm not "poor Tara" anymore. I got myself a life which is completely dependent on other people anymore. I feel stronger and am going to counseling. I am trying to make myself a better person and she says I'm putting everything on everyone else?????
Maybe she's right. Maybe I am the problem because it seems like everyone is mad at me lately. Is being assertive, standing up for yourself and asking for what you need worth it if it just pisses everyone off?
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Day 66 of 365 - Man Break
It's been two weeks since I wrote a journal entry. I have been super stressed. I ended up in the hospital last Tuesday with heart palpitations. The tests turned out fine and I went to the doctor yesterday and she told me they were most likely due to stress. She is sooo right ... now when I feel them it is always when I am feeling stressed. I don't know how I got to the point where I was letting things pile up so much but here is my wake up call so things have to change.
I haven't even thought about guys lately. I am having such trouble with regular relationships that men aren't even entering the picture. I am trying to be assertive because all the books say this is a great skill to have but assertiveness has gotten me no where. I was assertive with a co-worker and she hasn't talked to me for over a month now which makes work very shitty and always stressful.
Then I finally got the guts up to write my friend a letter about how I was feeling. It seems like it has always been a one-sided relationship and just to make sure I stopped being the one to call her and sure enough six months passed by before I hear from her again. And here are some of her words.
"Tara, you make me so mad. Stop putting this on me. Can you not read. You are so stuck on " poor Tara" that you can't see what is happening. You have written me such nasty notes, one when I was in the hospital for shit sakes, give it up. Take a deeper look at yourself, and stop putting it on other people. I'm sorry put enough is enough. Good bye."
In my defense I had no idea she had been in the hospital (it was for something minor) since she hadn't talked to me for six months. Mind you this is a friend I lived next door to all my life. We were like sisters. Her words just make me feel like shit and angry all at the same time.
Saying I'm acting like "poor Tara" is what hurt the most because I'm not "poor Tara" anymore. I got myself a life which is completely dependent on other people anymore. I feel stronger and am going to counseling. I am trying to make myself a better person and she says I'm putting everything on everyone else?????
Maybe she's right. Maybe I am the problem because it seems like everyone is mad at me lately. Is being assertive, standing up for yourself and asking for what you need worth it if it just pisses everyone off?
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