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Day 66 of 365 - Man Break
It's been two weeks since I wrote a journal entry.  I have been super stressed.  I ended up in the hospital last Tuesday with heart palpitations.  The tests turned out fine and I went to the doctor yesterday and she told me they were most likely due to stress.  She is sooo right ... now when I feel them it is always when I am feeling stressed.  I don't know how I got to the point where I was letting things pile up so much but here is my wake up call so things have to change.
I haven't even thought about guys lately.  I am having such trouble with regular relationships that men aren't even entering the picture.  I am trying to be assertive because all the books say this is a great skill to have but assertiveness has gotten me no where.  I was assertive with a co-worker and she hasn't talked to me for over a month now which makes work very shitty and always stressful.
Then I finally got the guts up to write my friend a letter about how I was feeling.  It seems like it has always been a one-sided relationship and just to make sure I stopped being the one to call her and sure enough six months passed by before I hear from her again. And here are some of her words.
"Tara, you make me so mad.  Stop putting this on me. Can you not read.  You are so stuck on " poor Tara" that you can't see what is happening.  You have written me such nasty notes, one when I was in the hospital for shit sakes, give it up.  Take a deeper look at yourself, and stop putting it on other people.  I'm sorry put enough is enough.  Good bye." 
In my defense I had no idea she had been in the hospital (it was for something minor) since she hadn't talked to me for six months.  Mind you this is a friend I lived next door to all my life.  We were like sisters.  Her words just make me feel like shit and angry all at the same time. 
Saying I'm acting like "poor Tara" is what hurt the most because I'm not "poor Tara" anymore.  I got myself a life which is completely dependent on other people anymore.  I feel stronger and am going to counseling.  I am trying to make myself a better person and she says I'm putting everything on everyone else?????
Maybe she's right.  Maybe I am the problem because it seems like everyone is mad at me lately.  Is being assertive, standing up for yourself and asking for what you need worth it if it just pisses everyone off?
 
 

Replies

arat38
arat38

Oops I meant \"NOT completely dependent on other people anymore\" and in trying to fix this screwed up the top part...oh well.
deleted_user
deleted_user

This is an interesting JE. One of the books on boundaries that read said that boundaries mean: No I won\'t - Not - You must do this.

So taking that system in mind, I am not sure what happened with the co-worker, but with the friend, it sounds like (please confirm) that you send her a letter stating that you were upset about her behavior, is that correct?

If correct, then looking at the NO I won\'t, stand. Perhaps that letter was not really necessary.

People normally do notlike to be confronted about their how you perceive their behavior. It tends to make them defensive.

I had a freind that I needed to let go of because I constanly felt \'used\' by her. And like you are saying, I was the one always initiating conversation. So I did not feel the need to let her know, I simply made the decision not to initiate contact.

If she were ever to ask me about it, THEN I would tell her what was going on. But like most Narcish people, she has not even noticed.

She will send me an occasional email: Hi, How are you? I love you! I miss you! Lets get together. If I write back and say: OK, let me know what works for you. I never hear from her.

So I am saying: No I won\'t chase after you anymore.

If this person is Narcish (sounds like she is) they do not respond well to critisism. They will always turn anything around and project on you.

SO ...too late here because you already hit the send button, and got slapped in the face. Know if she was a different kind of person, she would not have responded like that. She would have said:

Hey I am sorry that you feel like that. This is how I see it: blah, blah, blah. Her response is an attack on you and not at all taking your feelings into consideration.

Boundaries are all about protecting yourself, not trying to change other people. I hope this makes sense.
deleted_user
deleted_user

p.s. Sorry about your panic attack. Are you in any counseling?
deleted_user
deleted_user

p.s. Maybe from now on you should post on here (for a little while) you don\'t want to become dependent on others but post here what you want to discuss before you talk to someone or send an email.

For example, you could have posted the email here and said: what do you think, how does that sound to you? What would you think if you got this?

That is what I tried to do with my non-date. Post it on here so that many minds could help me see clearly.
deleted_user
deleted_user

OMG I won\'t shut up, but I just wanted to mention why the one year alone is so important.

All of these relationships have always been here and have always had these dynamics.

Because you so preoccupied with a pathological man, you were not paying attention to how these other relationships were affecting you.
AgentSmith
AgentSmith

Once a doormat starts displaying assertiveness, it pisses off all the people who have walked all over the doormat. It sucks. I\'ve been going thru the same thing for awhile. It started w/ setting major boundaries w/ my family who had gone way too far for wayyy too long. Of course *i* became the bad guy (I was the victim and a priceless piece of historic architecture from my house was destroyed by their actions). Those ppl feel entitled to treat u that way bc they\'ve gotten away w/ it for so long. U have to stick to your guns. Even if it means eliminating your old \'friends\' from your life and starting over. Its not easy. I have eliminated basically everyone from my life. There are only 2 ppl I could consider friends now. One lives across country and the other an hr away.
arat38
arat38

You guys are my angels! I keep forgetting the places I need to go to for support.

First Susy you make me smile:) And that is the best thing that could have happened to me today. I have been under so much stress and anxiety it feels good to feel like me again. Your advice was so spot on. Although it\'s been difficult you are right that this is the perfect thing for my life taking this year break. I am learning so much and seeing more which gives me an opportunity to change. Without the shield of \"the man\" you\'re right it\'s hard to ignore what\'s REALLY happening in my life. Also I love your idea of passing things through here first! And you also pointed out what I seem to have forgotten. Once a narc always a narc and there is no use wasting my energy on that.

AS, thanks for reminding me what I really want. To clear out the old and bring in the new. Why is it that people like you to stay the way you are? You are right that they have all treated you one way and don\'t like it when you demand more. You have given me fresh confidence to \"stick to my guns\" because that was my goal all along and somewhere along the way I got off track. Thanks for guiding me back!
pageo
pageo

i began replying to your entry but got interrupted. i was saying that I thought Susy made some good points.

i know for myself that when I stepped out of unhealthy relationships my friendships narrowed way down. I have learned a lot about dealing with my stuff on my own. That is not to say I am not in need of a real good GF or two. I don\'t really have that right now. Not some one I can call and talk to about things that are happening and that need to be spoken about. Even finding some one with insights is difficult in 3-D.

I have done like Susy says and just stopped attempting communication if the person is not calling back or writing back. At some point I stopped even feeling rejected. I just figure it isn\'t right. Not a good match for friendship. That is about all I can really say. I have some friends that do not do too well with me being emotional or any sign of weakness which is the way vulnerability is usually interpreted.

Being vulnerable can scare people. It makes narcissist mean ugly and angry and regular people usually uncomfortable. Really pathetic if ya ask me.