Day 30 of 365 - Man Break
Having so much time to focus on myself is a different experience. Usually I was so busy dealing with drama that I had no insight about myself. On thing that has come up for me during this process is that I feel like I'm not really sure who I am. I have spent the better part of my life trying to please others and going along with things so as to not ruffle feathers. This has been happening since I was a child. I am stuck looking myself now and I think "What is it I really want?", "What is it I really like?", "What things make me truly happy?"
I have always made decisions based on what my mother wanted me to do or my father wanted me to do or what society wanted me to do or what I thought was expected of me. Being around narcissism much of my life means that every idea I had usually got shot down. Every opinion I voiced was wrong. My needs were the last on the list.
When you have spent so much time being denied and denying yourself when you suddenly have all this freedom to do exactly as you please you get stuck because you're not sure what you want and you don't trust yourself that whatever you choose will be the right thing because you have had so many people tell you otherwise for so long.
Being with an abusive man or narcisisst or growing up with a narcissistic parent makes you doubt yourself. It makes you insecure and you feel as if you NEED someone else there to make decisions because you are not able to do so yourself. I used to always think I was wrong in every situation. I was made to feel like that. That my thoughts, feelings and opinions were not valid - not even worth listening to. I couldn't stand up for myself because I was afraid to. I second guess so many things and it takes me eons to make decisions because I'm scared I will screw up. I used to call myself invisible because that's what I always felt like. Nothing I had to say or contribute was of any interest to other people. Any ideas or dreams I had were laughed off or I was told they were impossible and I would never be able to achieve them.
Sometimes I am scared to be me because that was never good enough for anyone.
I want to explore what it feels like to do things for myself, to believe in myself, to stand up for myself, to do things I like to do, to say things that other people may not like. I don't want to be stifled anymore and I know a lot of people are not going to like it because they are used to the me who always forgives, who gives more than she receives, who cares more about other people than she does herself. I know people will say I am just going through a phase or whatever but I need to be a little selfish this year in order to get back in balance. I need to learn how to be comfortable in my own skin.
Having so much time to focus on myself is a different experience. Usually I was so busy dealing with drama that I had no insight about myself. On thing that has come up for me during this process is that I feel like I'm not really sure who I am. I have spent the better part of my life trying to please others and going along with things so as to not ruffle feathers. This has been happening since I was a child. I am stuck looking myself now and I think "What is it I really want?", "What is it I really like?", "What things make me truly happy?"
I have always made decisions based on what my mother wanted me to do or my father wanted me to do or what society wanted me to do or what I thought was expected of me. Being around narcissism much of my life means that every idea I had usually got shot down. Every opinion I voiced was wrong. My needs were the last on the list.
When you have spent so much time being denied and denying yourself when you suddenly have all this freedom to do exactly as you please you get stuck because you're not sure what you want and you don't trust yourself that whatever you choose will be the right thing because you have had so many people tell you otherwise for so long.
Being with an abusive man or narcisisst or growing up with a narcissistic parent makes you doubt yourself. It makes you insecure and you feel as if you NEED someone else there to make decisions because you are not able to do so yourself. I used to always think I was wrong in every situation. I was made to feel like that. That my thoughts, feelings and opinions were not valid - not even worth listening to. I couldn't stand up for myself because I was afraid to. I second guess so many things and it takes me eons to make decisions because I'm scared I will screw up. I used to call myself invisible because that's what I always felt like. Nothing I had to say or contribute was of any interest to other people. Any ideas or dreams I had were laughed off or I was told they were impossible and I would never be able to achieve them.
Sometimes I am scared to be me because that was never good enough for anyone.
I want to explore what it feels like to do things for myself, to believe in myself, to stand up for myself, to do things I like to do, to say things that other people may not like. I don't want to be stifled anymore and I know a lot of people are not going to like it because they are used to the me who always forgives, who gives more than she receives, who cares more about other people than she does herself. I know people will say I am just going through a phase or whatever but I need to be a little selfish this year in order to get back in balance. I need to learn how to be comfortable in my own skin.
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