Anxious
Day 3 of 365 - Man Break
Today was filled with a lot of household chores, dishes, sweeping, laundry and grocery shopping as well as driving my kids to their various destinations. Everyday, routine stuff. Which bores me and overwhelms me at the same time. There never seems to be enough time in the day and everything is on my shoulders: raising two kids and hoping they will turn out okay, the inside work, the outside work, a full-time job, extracurricular activities for the kids. Not many breaks since I don't have a great support system and the children's father is not in the picture.
These are the times when I long for someone else. Someone else can tell my son why violent shows aren't appropriate for his age. Someone else help my daughter when she is feeling overwhelmed. Someone else to do the laundry. Someone else to drive someone somewhere. Someone else to take this tremendous burden off my shoulders.
Or at the very least someone to help me escape. To put their arms around me and make me feel better for once. Someone to support me. Someone to say: I got this tonite you go take a bath".
It is this vulnerabilty ... this longing that gets me into trouble every time and I let anyone who gives me a smile in. I ignore all the red flags, the dangerous behaviour, the downright shitty behavior and try to fit myself around that person so that he will not leave me. A sort of desperate quest to ease my anxiety.
It doesn't work though. It just ends up causes me more stress. I have to find a better way. A way to give myself the breaks that I need.
Today was filled with a lot of household chores, dishes, sweeping, laundry and grocery shopping as well as driving my kids to their various destinations. Everyday, routine stuff. Which bores me and overwhelms me at the same time. There never seems to be enough time in the day and everything is on my shoulders: raising two kids and hoping they will turn out okay, the inside work, the outside work, a full-time job, extracurricular activities for the kids. Not many breaks since I don't have a great support system and the children's father is not in the picture.
These are the times when I long for someone else. Someone else can tell my son why violent shows aren't appropriate for his age. Someone else help my daughter when she is feeling overwhelmed. Someone else to do the laundry. Someone else to drive someone somewhere. Someone else to take this tremendous burden off my shoulders.
Or at the very least someone to help me escape. To put their arms around me and make me feel better for once. Someone to support me. Someone to say: I got this tonite you go take a bath".
It is this vulnerabilty ... this longing that gets me into trouble every time and I let anyone who gives me a smile in. I ignore all the red flags, the dangerous behaviour, the downright shitty behavior and try to fit myself around that person so that he will not leave me. A sort of desperate quest to ease my anxiety.
It doesn't work though. It just ends up causes me more stress. I have to find a better way. A way to give myself the breaks that I need.
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