Aha

I think I had an "aha" moment yesterday.  I locked myself out of the house by accident yesterday morning and so I phoned my mother (who lives close to me) to see if she might be able to run me over a key or drive me to my son's school so I could get the key from him.  I locked myself out with absoutely nothing right before work, no wallet, no money, no lunch, no feminine products (my time of the month) NOTHING except my cell phone. Basically I was stuck.  So she just tells me she's busy and I'll suvive, tells me to borrow money from someone but that she can't help me.  I was so frustrated.  I know I locked myself out of the house.  I know I should have an exta key somewhere.  I know I'm a grown woman and I'm inconveniencing her and if there was any other way I wouldn't have called her at all.  But couldn't she have just helped??  Couldn't she have just gave up something to make sure I was okay for once??  I reached out for her help and she just slapped my hand away, as usual. I know this doesn't seem like a big thing but it's just another thing on top of a pile of other things.  She didn't even call that day to see what had happened. As usual I had to figure it out for myself.  So while I was walking to work (luckily it is within walking distance) racking my brain as to how to get in a key (ended up borrowing a coworkers car and getting the key from my son at school) I kept thinking how come my mother is never there for me and everything just clicked into place.  Every guy I've dated is just like my mother.   She is never there when I need her.  She keeps reminding me of all my mistakes.  She never goes out of her way to make my life better.  When I reach out to her she rejects me.  I can't depend on her.  I feel alone all the time.  She makes me feel small, ashamed and insecure.  She does things for me when SHE wants to not when I NEED her to. I have to beg for her love and attention.  I keep reaching out to guys only to get rejected just like my mother rejected me.  I want them to supply the love I never received.  I've never been nurtured.  Not even as a small child.  My mother has always forced me to be independent...to rely on myself.  Now I feel as asking for help is sign of weakness and I have to be pretty desperate to do so. My mother has been doing this to me since I was a child and she is still doing it.  I am never good enough for her.  I keep trying to please her and make her SEE me. How do I even begin to overcome this, especially when she is still such a big part of my life?  How do I stop letting her get to me?