Tried a new recipe from my raw food cookbook. Kale salad and simple vinigrite. Olive oil, apple cider vinegar, dijon mustard, salt and pepper. added onions carrots and celery. very good salad. wasn't that hungry b/c I've had breakfast and lunch already. ate a fair amount today. so had to save some of the salad for later. but now I know how to make that. I haven't made pesto in so long. and I hadn't had bean taco salad in a week or two either. if only I could eat things remember once or twice a week I'd achieve my goal of healthy eating. I'd be full enough to cut out unhealthy stuff and expensive stuff and boredom and not knowing what to eat. my apartment is dirty. I've achieved cleaning the dishes and cleaning off the countertops and getting laundry in and getting to the gym. I feel like I should be complete. but I still need to sweep and mop. there are visible crumbs, hair, and unknown goo everywhere. and the apartment is still cluttered despite my effort to put things away and the achievement of it somewhat. it is getting out of control. do I need more storage bins? I've noticed that I haven't even been in my storage closets in a while. so maybe I'm not making enough of an effort. maybe? i know I'm not. throughout the week. often actually, I say, I'm too tired, I'll do it tomorrow. I don't have the same respect for cleanliness that I have when I'm living with a neatfreak roommate. or any roommate. It's disprespectful to myself. I'd like to have at least a clutter free living room. so that I have some sanctuary from my own clutter. but it is filled with christmas stuff now. where else where I put christmas stuff. and I lack any kind of table or shelving, so it is spread across the floor. so are my cds. that is a good area for those, just no table. but actually, i've got a new table. it was used. i just finished nailing theback on more securely and I want to paint over the scuffs with black acrylic paint to match it. than vertyicle table will cut my clutter in half if not eliminate it. other things are candles books papers drinks trash tissues pens dvds blankets coats hats shoes clothes a hanger, plates food, sigh. at least I went to the gym. now I'm too beat to attempt the exercise of cleaning. lol. I often use that excuse. you would think I'd be energized, motivated. sometimes I am to be fair, but I was more when i lived with  ^. I respected her. I made my bed every day for crying out loud! I wanted to appear more mature to her I guess since she was ten years older than me, and acted like it sometimes, like I"m older and wiser than you" I mean. I burned those cds I wanted. and returned them! and went to a writers meetup. so lots of good things. msm is really moving me. strangely. different than magnesium. i think it is good though. it is like clockwork. got to get more supplments begining of next january. and start using my flex money. and use these coupons. forty dollar massages heck yeah. that's what I need. get my lymph going, my blood. after a recent massage, I felt so cleansed I can't describe it. like more cleansed than any bath or shower could ever get you. like a combination of that and confession or a holy cleansing. got to go back to that place. sorry i'm not the most loyal customer. i only get massages once every four months or so. lately less since i've been getting chiropractic instead. whihc i need again by the way, my headaches are returning. i've watched so much tv! the entire oprah dvd in one sitting. I've got plenty of books too. why am I so depressed. I have been going less on my meds. and didn't take any last night. still very inspired by the idea of mindfulness. that it is not hard only for me, that is good to know. that others get sleepy, distracted, so difficult, even for fifteen minutes, but that it strengthens your mind and consciousness, your self. a very good book, maybe even worth reading, but I'm afraid to fall asleep again, I keep doing that, is a book I got at goodwill, what should I do with my life. how ironic, those that get what we wish for it isn't as good as you think, or that you need to start small, or that you need to go for it. who knows. and family does it get in the way, or is it the destiny. traveling. staying/ with*. education. my age. my money. waiting now or going for it. my father. watching out learnign from his mistakes. a year or two gone by . how fast it goes. belieivng that changing my eating habits could change my life, make it all easier. so why dont' i stick with it more. can you imagine an entire year without sugar? I haven't yet gone a week without sugar. two days? not all sugar, just obvious. like chocolate candies. not all chocolate, just sugar loaded chocolate.