day two of the new me: "happy again stephanie"yesterday I enjoyed thrift shopping after work and a few puffs on a cigarrette (shut up, I'll know when I'm addicted and it is not when I do it for damn pleasure a few puffs when I can't even drink like a normal person anyway. shut the f up) (hmm... ok, so hopefully this "happy again stephanie" project will work b/c we see exhibit A: some touchiness) LOL ANYWAY. then, I called my ex ex boyfriend from two years ago who was a much better match for me personalizty wize. he's been trying to contact me a couple times, then let up for a few months. he's kinda got great manners like that I think. I like his personality, well, most of the time I did, he makes me life like an f ing hyena. it actually kind of makes me giddy. then I start to feel dumb. but I got bored after a few months, thought I could do better looks wise. now here I am, I went after looks and what did it get me? "sad, insecure stephanie". I'd rather be wtih a guy more on my appearance level I guess. Shut up I'm just thinking out loud I don't know what a good gage of appearance level is. but isn't that the f ing problem with america? everybody is trying to get the most out of everything including people and so you break up with perfectly good looking Jen Aniston for even perfecter looking and more exotic (read: new) Angelina Jolie. but I digress.  So I was all giddy but then I got tired and bored and went to bed at 9:30. then I woke up at 12:30. couldn't sleep. was ok with it actually. thought it was 4am or 5am and I'd have time to go for a walk on the treadmill again. when I saw it was 12:30 I was bummed. but my gym is directly across from my front door, feet away, and it is open 24. the girl even told me when I signed up "and you can come over if you can't sleep." but of course I was like, no, I'm not going over NOW, not when I look like this and feel kinda but not really sleepy and what kind of people go to the gym and 1230 and what will they think of me. but y'all I've got a good attitude about the gym and I got it from Alcoholics Anonymous of all places. Hey, when you get up the ovaries to go to A A on your own without anybody forcing you, you get rewarded by personal growth. so I have the attitude that going to the gym is like going to AA. I am a lazy-aholic and it is killing me. shut up, being lazy CAN kill you. If you are sedentary (read: lazy) and never get any exercise it is BAD on your heart. it is BAD on your bones. It is BAD on your muscles. It leads to strange aches and pains like I have. It leads to fatigue, which I have. It leads to stress, which I have.. illness. I don't care whether you exercise or not but I NEED to exercise. Like and alcoholic needs to go to AA meetings, I need to go to the "gym meetings". that occur in my head. lol. I say, ok I'm here, the meeting is starting now. I don't know anyone else there so they don't know that I consider them other meeting attenders and don't tell them. only my friends get to know I am crazy lol. that is all.