"pull the wool over my eyes"
"i've been under his thumb"
just some different phrases to describe my ex-husband.
i've been influenced by what i believed he would think of me, since forever. i haven't been able to let it go. until recently (i hope). but i still go back to the same thinking, and the same blaming game, and continue to be stuck. i guess i have to change the perspective of this situation. like, i wanted to put something like "he's had this hold on me...him, him, him...." where instead i put "i've been influenced by what i believed he would think of me..." maybe i need to take responsibility where necessary, and stop blaming him where it's not. then maybe i can move past. i need to let go.
i think i like to hold on to grievances, even if they're not exactly accurate. i like to be angry and blaming someone for my own problems. i don't want to let go of negative stuff. it's like, that way, it's somebody else's fault, and not mine.
so, i think i'm currently blaming Dave for my feeling miserable in our relationship. but what is it really? i suspect there's something i can do, or change my perspective, and i bet i'll not be miserable. but right now, i'd rather blame Dave, and hold that against him, and not let it go, and be miserable myself, and make him miserable, and so we're both miserable. damn, i'm tired of this shit. but it's all i know how to do. it's easy. it's comfortable. it's my way....