Wow, tomorrow's the 30th... Friday is the 1st of February. I'm not very excited about facing what's about to come my way. In 3 weeks I'll have to face the anniversary of loosing my sweet baby boy. Who would've ever thought time would be going by this fast. It seems like just yesterday I was on the operating table and they held his little blue face above the curtain and told me to look at my beautiful son. But then it seems like it's been forever since I've kissed his sweet lips. I'm so worried that I'm going to stress myself out wayy too much and it won't be healthy for my little girl that still needs time in my belly to finish developing. I miss Nickolus so much and it seems like all of my memories of him are slowly fading away and I don't know how to handle that. I didn't get the chance to make a lifetime full of memories of my son and they're leaving me just as fast as they came. We've almost finished painting the nursery. That was all that was left around of him. All of his colors on the walls are gone now. Jaycie's bedding and things have been in there for a while so it's all becoming her now. I want both of them though I don't want to have to replace everything I had with my son with her. All that's left of him are storage bags with all of his clothes and toys in them and I just don't know how to handle any of this anymore it's all just becoming too much. I'm so scared that Jaycie's going to get here and I'm just going to have a melt down because I still want Nickolus back and I can't have him and I'm afraid I won't want her. Everything is really starting to get really hard really quick for me.
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What you are feeling is totally normal. I was just thinking the same thing yesterday about Owen, how I am starting to almost forget him and how he felt to hold and love. I want him back but I want this baby too. Just hang in there and when Jaycie arrives, you are going to fall in love all over again!! A part of Nickolus will be in her, that is what I believe anyways! Take care!
It feels like yesterday , I lost Kierstyn...
It will be hard for the first anniversary but the next year, they say it will be easier...
I think because your pregnant again with the oppisite sex it doesn\'t help, I think your feeling ALOT of anxiety... I did while I was pregnant with my son Brett after I lost Kierstyn..
, I try remembering all the momories I had with Kierstyn and some have faded which piss me off because I should have always remembered them but I am thankful for pictures..
Ever since Brett has been born I have taken so many pictures that I don\'t know what to do with them exept put them on multiple CD\'s..
I had to do what you did, repaint Kierstyn\'s pink room to blue and green for Brett!! It hurt having to put all the cute pink dresses away with her cute little boodies ( mabey forever if my next child is a boy vs. a girl)
I try looking at the positive things in my life and hoping that everything will start turning around for the better..
Once Jaycie is here and you remember how wonderful it is to hold a baby again, Hopefully it will ease your mind with alot of anxiety you have.. It did for me!! I don\'t think you have to replace memories from Nickolus with Jaycie.. I talk about Kierstyn almost everyday because it helps me even when I was pregnant with Brett I refused to not tell people about my sweet little girl.. (How I lost Kierstyn is under different curcimstances than how you losing Nickolus).
It sucks that we have to deal with this kind of saddness, I wish time didn\'t pass SO fast for you !!
Try staying strong for your little girl because she feels what you feel.. And very soon she will know her big brother,
I tell my son Brett all the time about his big sister, the little things help me though the hard times when I miss Kierstyn so much I can taste it..
After I delivered Brett I was alittle distant from him but didn\'t let him out of my sight, after I exepted that I was not going to have another little girl is when I started to hold Brett more than ever.. I barley ever put Brett down now.. If you do the same I did, All the other mom\'s I have talked to they say\" it\'s normal\" so don\'t be hard on yourself..
Hang in there, \"I think\" you will be stronger than you think when Jaycie gets here..
Lots of hugs, Michelle