I don't know if I'm just being emotional because I'm pregnant, or if it's because of what's coming up... I'm just seeming like a basket case right now. I'm being extremely moody.. I can't get that February is coming up out of my head. I don't want to face the day that I lost Nickolus. I don't want to have to relive everything that went on that day. I'm not ready for it. I don't know how to handle it. I can barely take it now and it's just barely the 2nd week of January. I think I've been so wrapped up in the baby and everything else that I haven't really let myself think of Nickolus and now I can't stop and it's tearing me up. Everyone and everything is getting on my nerves. I sent out baby shower invitations over the weekend and it's 4 days before the day he passed away. I don't even know if I'll be in the right state of mind to have one. I just don't know what to do this is so hard and I don't understand why in the hell I have to go through it. I don't get how some peoples lifes can just be so good and carefree and it seems that I've been getting the shit end of the stick for I don't even know how long anymore. I just don't get when I'm ever going to be able to really be happy. Or if I ever even will.