Okay I know it's monday and supposed to be upbeat and everything but I just really need to get some stuff out. Christmas is coming up.. Another holiday to go through knowing that I don't have my son to celebrate it with. The 20th will be 10 months since he's been gone. It'll be Michael's birthday too. This month I have felt extremely lonely. Seems to be the holidays make it that way after loosing someone so close to you. Atleast for me they do. Jaycie's getting bigger and bigger.. I've only got about 12 to 13 more weeks left, depending on when I schedule my cesarian. I'm really anxious but I'm so scared at the same time. I feel so lonely right now I wish she could be here now to help soften my heart. My mom is going to try and get Nickolus's headstone paid off so it'll be on his grave for Christmas. That's just not right... I haven't even gone back to see him since before Thanksgiving. I can't bring myself to it. It hurts so badly to go out there and I feel so bad for not being able to handle it. I feel like I've let him down on so many different levels, and how do I know I won't do that to Jaycie? I was at work last night and right before we closed I had this table that had this little boy who was about 18 months.. That's how old Nickolus would be if he were still here. I was standing there and the computer next to the table and he started making all these noises. He made a noise and he took a breath in, Nickolus used to do that all the time when he played around. I had to run to the back because I started to loose it. That little boy was so cute and so big and that should be my little boy. It's so unfair and I miss him so much. I truely don't know how I'm supposed to get through this. I got my Christmas present from my parents early this year. I had some jewelry that I saw that I wanted. Nickolus's birthstone is pearl, and i got a beautiful necklace that has one pearl on the part that hangs on the necklace, and a ring that has a pearl in the middle, and then like two guards with diamonds that come up on the left side, and then only one on the right. It's my memory of him... I just wish he were still here.