I was crazy if I ever thought having another baby would even come remotely close to haulting the feeling of emptyness in the pit of my stomach and my heart that I became consumed with I lost Nickolus. It just still seems like I'm riding a rollercoaster that just doesn't stop. I'm so thankful for my little girl.. but I'm still so mad that I don't have my little boy. With Thanksgiving, and now Christmas coming and going.. It just seems to get harder and harder. Theres some good days, but man when my days are bad.. They are just BAD. And sometimes I wish so badly that I had someone who knows my pain to share my grief with in person.. like Michael. I wish so badly that he could just be human for the sake of helping me get through this and just comfort me and I think it just makes it that much harder going through all of this at the same time. Then you add in all the extra hormones of pregnancy and you get my life. I cry so much now my lips are always chapped, my nose is always red and my eyes are always puffy. I see some of the people on here who have husbands who are just so wonderful and it makes me so jealous that they're living a life that I so badly want. Even though they've experienced the loss that I have, they still have someone there to let them know that everything will be okay. Ugh and I hate sounding so depressing. I just want to be upbeat for once.. continuously. I want so badly to get to that point to where when I think of Nickolus I just fill up with love and am thankful that I got to have him and know him for as long as I did, and not just fucking pissed that he's gone and I can't ever have him back.