It's been six months today since my little angel went to heaven.  I miss him so much. My doctors appointment is tomorrow.. Thank god... I've been feeling like crap here lately I've had a cold and I can't take anything for it because I'm in my first trimester and it just really sux!! I'm gonna go see Nickolus at his grave today... I hope I can hold it all together. I keep letting myself get sucked back in by Michael... I don't really know where to turn. All of my family and friends are against it and I know I should be but it's just hard. I forgot how lonely pregnancy makes you feel unless you're with someone. And I've been experiencing a strong libido with this pregnancy and don't really want to sleep with someone else. It's all messed up. I'm having an attack of conscience about my son's tombstone. In a fight with Michael I had the words on his grave changed from our little man to mommy's little man because I just felt that he was MY little man and no one else's. Michael wasn't around for that long with Nickolus... through my pregnancy through his birth and his first few months. And I want to tell him before the marker gets laid out but I'm so afraid of the fight I know is going to come with it. I wish so badly our relationship could work out but I don't ever see that happening but I don't see myself ever truely leaving him alone. Whenever I'm truely fed up he senses it and lays it on me so thick I get all starry eyed again. And I get sucked back into all the drama and the lies and the deceit. I just don't know what to do. I don't know if I should just enjoy it while it lasts and when he blows up again just be like whatever bye or even if I'll be strong enough or if I should work on detatching myself again until that final fed up point but how do I know I won't be sucked back again? I just don't know what to do. Does anyone have any advice?

By the way... i feel like CRAP but I can't change that smiley face deal for some reason...