I'm feeling kinda down today... Missing Nickolus a lot. I'm about to go to his grave and make him a new flower arrangement to set out on his headstone. I've been reading some of the new members journals and profiles and it's bringing up a lot of bad memories so I thought I better write about it to try and help these feelings. And I'm really terrified about my new baby... I'm so scared that something is going to go wrong and that I won't be able to make it through the loss of another child. I know I won't be able to. I'm wondering if what I did was the right thing to do but then I think of the precious gift I'm carrying in my tummy and I can't wait to see him/her but I just want everything to be okay. I miss my little man so much it still tears at my heart every single day. I want him back.. I want him to be here to be the big brother I know he'd love to be. And it saddens me that my new baby has to settle for having him as a guardian angel. I just don't understand how God can take little babies that are so sweet and innocent and put us through this kind of raw pain.