Well I had a really bad break down this past weekend. Last Sunday, the 20th was Nickolus's 3 month mark since he passed. It all just kinda hit me at once. I was really missing his father Michael because we split up that day. Monday I just completely lost it when I got off work. I just couldn't stop crying. I ended up going and getting a bottle of crown and got too drunk to know what I was sad about. I'm at my grandmothers house now and she was just showing Michael some pictures of me when I was 6 weeks old. He's never seen my new born pictures and so he truely didn't know just how much me and my son could be considered identical. I just stared at the pictures for a good solid 10 minutes. I miss him so much I truely don't know how I'll ever get through this sometimes. I'm so tired of people saying things happen for a reason and that he's better now and god won't put anything on you that you can't bear... I think it's all BS because this pain is so unbearable at times I wish my father hadn't hid his pistol so I could just get this over with. Life wasn't that bad for Nickolus, matter of fact it was damn good. He was such a happy baby and had so much love he didn't even know what to do with it. I don't see how I can believe in God when things like this happen because why would he take my little peanut away from me? After giving me a child, and I never wanted children, and changing my whole outlook on life just to take it away from me I just don't get it. I was fine the way I was all by myself, and now I know what love felt like and now I'm all alone and it's just so unbearable. I wish I could take back the hands of time and it just sucks that I can't. I just want to hold my little boy and let him bite down on my finger and cut me with his new teeth or drool all over me or put his hands all in my food as I try to eat. It's just not right he would be turning a year old next month and now he's just not here how in the hell could this happen to my son? I feel like I failed my little angel I didn't do my job to protect him as his mother and if I hadn't been so selfish to want to be with Michael that my little boy would still be here with me. I'm just so scared to even know what tomorrow has to hold for me because I thought I had my whole life infront of me and that it finally made sense and now it's just a big fat waud of smelly crap.