10 things to be happy

I don't have the time to write an entry tonight, I have to go to sleep, so here's my list I was working on while I was on the train- it's my list of 10 things I need to be happy:
Ten Things I Need To be Happy:

To be debt free and have money to buy the things I need. I have a lot of student loans hanging over my head, as well as credit card debt. I would love to be able to have the freedom to not worry about people calling me all the time trying to collect money from me when I don't have any to give them. Not only that, but it would relieve a lot of stress in my life. I don't want enough money to buy everything I want, just what I need. SSDI is helping me with this, since it's finally steady income.

To be able to use my degree (BA in Biology) to help people somehow- I would love to get my Masters in Psychology, but I'm not sure if it's a good investment. I will be much older than people in my classes and stigmatized when I go to look for work. I already have $50,000 in college loans I can't pay now, I don't want even more that I can't pay. I worked hard to get my degree and I would love to be able to use it. I don't want it to be just a useless piece of paper sitting in a drawer.

I have a great, loving relationship with Geo, so I don't need that to be happy. I have it. I love him and he loves me, and we have been together for almost 6 years now. I think being legally married to him would be better, but I don't know if that can happen. We have our good times and our bad times, but what couple doesn't?

Have better, lasting friendships. Geo and Jon are the only friends I still have from when I was in college. Most people in my life last a couple months, a couple years at most. I want to have good friends that I can count on. I count a true friend as someone who I would do anything for, and they would do anything for me (not counting illegal stuff of course). Someone once said if you can count the number of good friends you have on one hand, you should consider yourself lucky.

To have a united family. This one isn't going to happen, but I can hope. This is my list anyways, right? I wish that all my family could come together and just work out their differences instead of having to fight over who I'm going to stay with when I go see them, and have to worry about seeing my sister when she can't go over to the place I'm staying... my family is conflicted, but what family isn't? I just want everyone to be happy and get along.

To be better able to recognize my emotions and those of others. I don't know when I'm happy a lot of the time, and even when I'm not happy I don't know what I'm feeling. I'm just in a constant state of meh. It's not apathy, I do care about things, I just don't know what I'm feeling. Also knowing what other people are feeling would help too, since I would be able to help people who are not having a good time, and have a good time with people who are. I can read when someone has a better or worse hand than I do in poker, but I couldn't tell you how that person was feeling.

To get over my past and be at peace with it. This includes the abuse, my father's death, everything. I'm going to be starting therapy, and this one and #6 I want to work on. I have already done a lot in therapy coming to terms with some of the abuse, but I haven't done any work on my dad and all the feelings I have surrounding his passing. I can't call my stepfather “dad” because I idolize my dad and I can't call anyone else dad. That also has to do with my borderline, seeing everything in black and white and taking everything literally. My past caused my borderline, and my borderline makes me see the past differently.

To be emotionally more stable in a positive way. I've taken a step in the right direction- I finally gave in and started Depakote which I haven't wanted to do ever since I heard about it. I don't need to be happy all the time to be happy, if that makes sense. I just need to be more stable so I'm not constantly worrying about my next mood swing, the next hallucination, and so on. I will be happy with just being happy most of the time, or even just a good percentage of the time. I've come a long way in this since I moved here to Miami- I'm not living in a constant state of depression anymore. I had to say “in a positive way” for this because when I was in LA I was constantly depressed- I was pretty stable in a way since my mood didn't change. I want to be stable in a positive mood, or even just a content mood. I know I'm never going to get rid of all the mood swings, but to be able to have less of them would be great.

To be physically healthy. I would love to be able to stand for more than 10 minutes without pain, I would love to be able to walk and not hurt, to not have to worry about my back or knees hurting, or the random pain. I know I'm not going to ever get rid of my IBS, but it would be nice. I just want to be rid of the constant pain whenever I do stuff, and it prevents me from doing stuff I like, like my job at Vonage. I was good at that job (sales) but I couldn't do it anymore because my body gave out after standing too long.

To be able to know who I really am without my disorders. I've always had them, since I was a kid, so it's hard to tell when I'm acting a certain way because of the disorders or because that's the way I really am. I think when I'm slightly hypomanic I am closest to who I am under it all. I think it just brings out my personality. I don't know for sure, though, since it's been so long since I've been able to know who I am. I think most people have this problem at some time in their lives, I just happen to have it now, and it's harder for me since I have things that cloud who I really am.



I am not sure what to say here, it is important to be happy and to stay happy. In order to see what we need to do that is important as well, for you to be able to put into words what would make you happy is good. I can\'t even begin to imagine what would really make me happy, truely, because happiness goes much deeper than I can imagine. I am happy as a whole but am I truely happy? I am not sure.

this journal is very deep in many ways. you have thought about the happiness issue very throughly. the best i can say is to work on 1 issue at a time and get over that hurdle. i wish you the best of luck, i want you to feel happy and happiness.

You have done a great deal of thinking of what you need. I think you are so clear on it. I hope you can get to the point you can check everything off your list as accomplished.