10 days

ok, so it has only been 10 days since i last broke no contact, and it feels like forever. The reality is that despite my attempts to have made contact in the past, I have not spoken to her in probably a month, maybe more. I think my sense of time has diminished or something. She just doesn't want to talk to me or hear from me again. I guess her plan is to clean her hands from me and maybe make contact again when all the feelings are gone. Maybe that way she won't feel so bad about everything. Or maybe she just doesn't care either way.
I feel like i don't know what I'm doing anymore, don't know how to trust my instincts. I guess everything i felt like i knew and trusted is now under scrutiny and I'm second guessing myself all the time.
I don't know... i haven't posted in a while because I'm just numb, i don't know how i should be feeling. Some people tell me that being angry is good, others tell me to just move on etc etc. One person told me to just forgive her, I suppose I'm aiming for that. I just don't know how to forgive her. I want to, but if I'm honest with myself i don't right now. I think I'm still searching for answers, how? and why? Perhaps there are no real answers, maybe people just do shitty things. That isn't what i believed, but when the facts are pointing towards that, then maybe its true. I suppose that I'm naive and she taught me some valuable lesson? Although I'm not sure what it is yet and how i should take this forwards.
I don't really like living like this, with all the self doubt and questioning, wondering if there is something wrong with me or if there is something wrong with her etc. I want to find some inner peace. I guess that only comes with time and patience? Maybe it will just creep up on me and i should stop trying so hard? Wow i just don't know anymore haha

Replies

AJ33
AJ33

I know exactly how you are feeling from this post. I am doubting myself all the time, too. It\'s like I need to put the blame somewhere, and I don\'t want to put it on him because that doesn\'t feel good. But when I put it on myself I am filled with doubt and regret, and that has been really difficult to carry. The hardest part is not having answers...just having to take things as they are. That is hard for me. But maybe that is the only way to let things be. Maybe there doesn\'t need to be blame. But its hard for me to accept that we just werent compatible..because I felt like we were. I am sort of rambling, but maybe you will know what I mean