10-6-20

I really realized how much I've been struggling recently today. Academic anxiety is constantly biting me in the ass, I'm having a hard time investing the time I need to do explore and udnerstand the work I'm doing in architecture. The move is coming up in three weeks. I've been experiencing fatigue for the past 3 days or so, and yesterday I was so exhausted after finishing the bare minimum of work that I cried in absolute shock and exhaustion at the end of the day. I still often experience relationship anxiety. I feel anxiety thinking about the future, about what the right path for me is. Relationship wise. Academic wise. Personal wise. Medical wise. Everything. Virtual schooling is so difficult. I'm unable to learn through engagement, which is how I normally learn. It's so detached. The atmosphere at home sucks like it always has. I have a driving test coming up in two weeks which I have to pass if I want to visit my friends and boyfriend after I move. Otherwise I'd have to wait another month and then it'd be more difficult to see everyone.

I ranted to a friend for like an hour and a half today about just everything. She's incredibly patient, even though she seems incredibly blunt and insensitive at first glance. Though she's not empathetic/sympathetic, she provides insightful objective advice and validates me on the way I feel. And our conversations can also be stupid fun. 

Then I spent time with my boyfriend, talking about what was in yesterday's journal. Things seem fine now. A lot of things were blown out of proportion by anxiety. I noticed that it can be hard to talk to him because he cuts me off a lot. It begins to feel as if what I have to say doesn't matter because he's obviously not listening. I think I cut him off too. I noticed that in his family, people cut each other off a lot, so I suppose I know where he gets it from. That's why he allows me to cut him off, too.