10/4/20 - IMHO Romance is unecessary

I'm tired of this dance. 

I have a view about relationships that many woud consider odd. I see friendships and relationships as similar. I think that many people see friendships as more superficial, while in relationships you open up to the person more and get to know and love them well. You would "go the extra mile" for that person. But for me, I do that with friendships too. I open up, they open up to me, and I think about them and how they're doing, I put effort into them. So I think my friendships go deeper than most people's do. As long as I can form a bond with somebody, they are all the same to me.  

Looking back, I'm uncertain if I've ever felt romantic attraction towards anyone. What I've thought was romantic attraction was often a sort of desperation, a need to be heard, a need to be seen, a need to be cared for by somebody. Anybody. I mistook that feeling for love. In the case of my current boyfriend, that feeling grew. He was a friend. Someone to explore the world with. Someone who understood a side of me no one else did. And I felt like I could be a calmer and happier version of myself around him and his family. Was it an escape? 

When I ask myself if I ever truly felt a romantic connection to him, my instincts tell me no, and all evidence points to no. To this day I don't like kissing, things like hand holding and non-platonic activities seem forced. Like I am reaching for something that's not that there and yanking it up by the throat. One damning piece of evidence is that even now, almost a year into our relationship, I question if I actually want to be friends. At first I felt this was damning, the sort of thing you'd have to break up over. But now I question it. 

I question if it's even a bad thing. Because my friendships are so deep, I see both types of bonds as nearly equal. To me, a relationship is just a friendship, but longer, with more commitments. And to me, a relationship is just a friendship but you also have to be romantic. Romance seems like a chore to me. It's not something that comes naturally. Kisses feel odd and forced. Hand holding is nice, depending on the context and so are hugs. Any type of sexual activity usually satisfies my primal desire for it but I never feel a connection. And all types of I-love-yous have never landed properly on my ears. It's like I don't understand them. I wonder if I am that thing called "aromantic". 

See, I don't see anything wrong with being in a relationship and not truly feeling those romantic elements. To me, the bond is most important. I don't see the point in ending a relationship because of something I feel physically incapable of feeling, and which to me seems like extra. Because isn't a relationship about support, and recognition, and trust, and love? And I say love in appreciating and lifting that other person, wanting them to be happy. 

My boyfriend feels differently. He believes that romantic love is something further, something that seals the bond. Someone you'd go the extra mile for. I don't understand it. That he'd be bothered by the fact that I don't feel it. That he sees it as a huge problem. That he sees what I am realizing is a deeper part of me as something that needs to be worked on and fixed. 

I'm realizing I don't want to break up and just be friends. Months ago, in this same dillemma, these same feelings made me question if I'd rather break up and be friends. We took a break from each other, but we were inexplicably drawn together again. We care about each other. We missed each other. We wanted to be together. I don't want to break up over something like this... if we break up, let's at least break up over something bigger! Like a big problem we can't communicate past. I've heard stories of gay people in history having to marry the opposite gender to appease society roles at the time, and being able to be happy with their spouses despite obviously having no romantic attraction. I think it's possible. 

I wish I could convince him that it's not a problem. I wouldn't be surprised if others think it is. To me, it just seems like romance is something codified in our culture, something we've always been told is necessary. I hope people can try to see my thought process. 

The other thing is, when I tried to explain this all to him, it was late. It felt like an important conversation to me, I was slowly discovering all of this. But he seemed exasperated with me because he wanted to go to bed. I always saw important conversations as something I'd be willing to stay up for... I feel like by the next day, the spirit of the conversation is gone and it's not the same. For something as important as this in our relationship, it hurt that he'd rather go to bed (it was 11:30) because he had to wake up for a class at 12:00? I bet he was just tired. I felt bad that I was keeping him up, but I felt I just had to talk about it. I mentioned that I should probably shut up and let him go to sleep. He said he wouldn't tell me to shut up, but I should "quiet" down. He said bye and while I was deliberating on if I wanted to continue he said goodnight and hung up without waiting for a reply. 

Looking back I can see that I was being insensitive about the sleep schedule... I apparently have a loose definition of a sleep schedule compared to most people. Mine's always been pretty wild, and I have no qualms about staying up. I also can't deny that it hurt.