10/3/18 as the ugh turns
So, I write these for me mostly. It's been rough. At some points, I wonder if it would just be easier to die.
Over a week ago, I had a root canal. Every since than severe pain, they didn't tell me I had an infection. It will take time but I wasn't able to function for a few days. I'm also working the night shift for a week 1130 p.m. to 8:30 a.m. which also wears on you. Don't get me wrong - I don't have any friends or do anything but still...
A week ago I heard from my ex. Well, a few times and she sent a picture or 2. She is in Russia, which I brought the ticket, to see her mom. Anyway, last week her mom was really in bad shape and the ex contacted me and wanted to skype etc. She wanted to change the ticket back for a week later. Yes, I did it..because I'm an idiot. I know if you read this you are saying "why couldn't see". Because she's not that smart I guess. Today, I did get a text that she is home, will like to meet to give me money and souviners. I said I will think on it but I know money is tight etc.
So really my issue is me. It's been 2 ish months. I've been on dating sites...the rejection is just crushing for some reason. I'm an introvert anyway but still. I see myself as ugly, which the head doctor laughed...but if I was average wouldn't I at least get an eye of someone I liked. I have gone on 4 dates. Maybe I could have went on more but no-one caught my eye or was interesting to me. No attraction.
I know it's a me issue. I was so into her. I thought it was the last one I would date, we were engaged, I looked for her forever, I could never look at anyone else because she took my breath away. I was so overly attracted to her in so many way. Than it ripped away has a left a hole. I guess I need more healing.
But as someone, that just sees themselves as average, being 47, and feeling everyone has someone but me...I don't know if I can.
Ok, thanks for coming to the self-pity party. Back to taking more pain meds.
Replies
Thanks for your update. Sorry things have been rough lately. I thought you were going No Contact? Sooo, what happened with that. It only opens up the wound over and over. And yes, you have your daughter to live for, most importantly. 2 months isn't long at all. Most likely you aren't ready for another relationship so soon anyway. Go have fun. You must have friends (work friends maybe?) to go out with. Even if you aren't real close friends, at least it gets you out to socialize and talk with other people. Connect with your family. Tell others you are looking and open to being set up, do they know anyone single..... it is still so soon. Things will get better. You're still young. Someone comes along when you least expect it (has been my experience... when I wasn't even looking). You've been through break ups before. You can do this!! Sending you strength.
I did go no contact. I was find. Guess her contacting me just screwed me up. (In her defense no miss you, love you, or anything negative).
That's just the thing - I don't have any friends. Work friends not really. Happens with the life of an introvert and when you sacrifice for your child .
Family - my mom (Who I call everyday) and a grumpy 25 year old daughter :-)
I know it's a phase maybe...just not feeling it. I do understand why middle age guys end it htough.
No Contact also involves blocking the other person. So they can't reach you. I was only saying it because you seemed to be doing better and now you're back at Square One. Well, how did you meet this ex? You have had relationships before, how did you meet them? There are plenty of introverts that meet people in real life. Meeting relationship material by internet is iffy at best, and a bit more difficult to get to know who the real person is online. Unless maybe one of those highly publicized relationship minded sites (I won't list the names, but you probably have heard of them). I do believe you can and will meet someone. It may happen when you least expect it. Get the word out (do you have siblings?) that you are available and do they know anyone they can fix you up with. What is that saying - Nothing changes if nothing changes.... (something like that). Time to make some changes in your life. You deserve to be happy. You can and will get there. Sending you more strength.
Four dates in two months is actually a lot.
I was divorced almost two years before I had my first post-divorce date. I was 45. I'm definitely not ugly, and I was getting out there and going to meetups the whole time, had done 40-50 events by that point.
I also think it takes 18 months for the brain (it does for my brain, anyway) to completely detox from the person you were so intoxicated with. Casually dating is good, but I think it's perfectly normal that you're not really feeling a strong attraction. But I recommend dating and socializing anyway just for perspective...look, you've been on four dates already, obviously some people find you attractive. I think the ex may have done some damage to your self-esteem and it's time to decide your mental health and well-being are more important to you than hers. She made her bed. Let her take care of herself from now on.
Thanks. I was going to do meetups but couldn't get my lazy butt up. We'll see if I make it to a sci-fi event. I've heard it takes half as long as you were in the relationship. Just the feelings of not find someone with the spark. It's hard. My head knows better. It knows a lot. Just stupid heart doesn't.....
Thanks again