10/1/2013
Wow. Oct 1. So much been going on. Last week was hell of a ride. Things with (or rather without) him were fine. No contact and I was handling it well. But all around me things kept going wrong...Little things. Things that happen and are not big deal. But one after another... Got notice from apt. They are tired of some dog owners not picking up after their dogs, so if they find any more dog poop outside, they will not be renewing the leases of ANY dog owners. Well, I'm not one of those. I dont deal well with threats. I dont have control over what other people do. I barely have control over what I do. Really pissed me off. I'd been thinking about moving anyway. Apt too big for me and want something without stairs. Not havintg probs now, but will eventually. Anyway, saw this as a "sign" that yes, I do need to move. Still stressed me out. Then the crescendo. Saturday night went to take a bath. Turned cold water on. Later went to turn it off and the handle broke. a long screw sticking out. I dont have the tools needed to turn it and turn the water off. Manager not home. Cant find an emergency number anywhere. Didnt have money to go buy tools I thought I needed. So.... grr....had to call ex. As usual he was "sure, be right there, no problem, etc....I hated to call him. Had not had contact since I told him no contact...but even now, i dont know what my other choices could have been. He started trying to fix it and the whole thing disintegrated completely causeing water to gush through the hole in the wall. Shut the shower doors to keep it from flooding anywhere. DUH! finally dawned on us..hey maybe we should turn off the water for my apt...Finally found it and turned it off. Sigh. We talked a little. He insisted on giving me some money that I didnt want or need. Told him about the dog thing and that I was going to move. He asked "Are you moving out of town?" All I said was no, but the question bothered me...Why ask me that. Does it mean on some leverl he wishes I didnt live in town (small town)? Does it bother him and or/her? I know I never run in to him in town. I've beenthinking he's either changed his routine or he's going to one of the outllying towns to shop. Dunno. But question still bothers me... Maybe I'm making to much of it.. I hope it does bother him. I hope it does bother her. Anyway, hate myself that I called him. I still have all blocks up and amdetermined to get myself completely out of his orbit.
Sigh. It's October. We would have been married 16 years the end of this month. Last year, I recieved the final papers the day before our "anniversary". I said something to him at the time about the timing and he looked confused. OUr anniversary was Halloween. He picked that date...yet in under a year he totally didnt realize what I meant about the timining. Kept making wrong guesses. Hours later he said OH!...Yes ithur. Right now I keep thinking of #4 packing and getting ready to move here. Counting down the days. I remember how I felt when it was me packing and counting down the days. It hurts. It's gonna hurt. I know there are going to be some very painful times ahead. I feel I have come so far away from him emotionally. I'm closer and closer to being safe and out of his orbit. But I'm not naiive enough to think I'm qutie there yet. 2014 is going to be a painful year.
I am doing better though. I realized that it's not that I am mad at him. It's that I am tired. Tired of the drama and constant crisis/chaos that comes from being around him in any way. Tired of the lies, the manipulation, etc. Cant be in his orbit and not get pulled in. I'm getting there though. I'm close to being totally out of his orbit.
This is a bad time of year for me. October has the anniversary of divorce and my now non anniversary. November has my mother's death and finding out my marriage was over, realizing my dad had dementia and dealing witheverything that went with that. December has always been hard. January is the anniversary of my father's death.
Going on a cruise during Thanksgiving break. Which is when he will be moving #4 here. Hoping and hoping I don't think about that the whole time I'm on my cruise. I know I will some...hoping it doesnt burden me. Made Christmas plans. This is huge because I absolutely abhor Christmas. Have for decades and it's only gotten worse. My brother's fiance hinted about me coming to Atlanta. I told her I'd think about it because I'm really not good company at Christmas. Decided to bite the bullet. Have a friend in New Orleans (my fave place!) who has been wanting me to come visit. I've been wanting to get back down there and do some things. Plus, I've been thinking about the train trip. The one we were planning 2 years ago-before I found out what was going on. We even had our tickets. Anyway, been wanting to take that trip I was cheated out of. So...putting it all together. Drive to New Orleans and spend a couple days with friend. Catch train from N.O. to Georgia. Spend christmas with my brothers and their people. Take train back to N.O. and spend a couple more days with friend drive home. Instead of Rick and Jackie's excellent vacation (2011)....it will be Jackie's Excellent vacation-2013.
Still, I'd love to see the look on her face when she sees that house, even though I suspect she's been here on the down low at least once and has seen it. I keep wondering how long, if ever, it will take her to find out he's not all he claims to be, etc...I dunno. Maybe he wont be that way with her. Or maybe she's a stepford wife kinda girl. When I start thinking those thoughts I try to re-direct them by reading or something. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesnt.
Sister is back at work after being hit by a car while crossing a street a few weeks ago. She was very lucky....I have so much to be thankful for...and I am...
Sigh. It's October. We would have been married 16 years the end of this month. Last year, I recieved the final papers the day before our "anniversary". I said something to him at the time about the timing and he looked confused. OUr anniversary was Halloween. He picked that date...yet in under a year he totally didnt realize what I meant about the timining. Kept making wrong guesses. Hours later he said OH!...Yes ithur. Right now I keep thinking of #4 packing and getting ready to move here. Counting down the days. I remember how I felt when it was me packing and counting down the days. It hurts. It's gonna hurt. I know there are going to be some very painful times ahead. I feel I have come so far away from him emotionally. I'm closer and closer to being safe and out of his orbit. But I'm not naiive enough to think I'm qutie there yet. 2014 is going to be a painful year.
I am doing better though. I realized that it's not that I am mad at him. It's that I am tired. Tired of the drama and constant crisis/chaos that comes from being around him in any way. Tired of the lies, the manipulation, etc. Cant be in his orbit and not get pulled in. I'm getting there though. I'm close to being totally out of his orbit.
This is a bad time of year for me. October has the anniversary of divorce and my now non anniversary. November has my mother's death and finding out my marriage was over, realizing my dad had dementia and dealing witheverything that went with that. December has always been hard. January is the anniversary of my father's death.
Going on a cruise during Thanksgiving break. Which is when he will be moving #4 here. Hoping and hoping I don't think about that the whole time I'm on my cruise. I know I will some...hoping it doesnt burden me. Made Christmas plans. This is huge because I absolutely abhor Christmas. Have for decades and it's only gotten worse. My brother's fiance hinted about me coming to Atlanta. I told her I'd think about it because I'm really not good company at Christmas. Decided to bite the bullet. Have a friend in New Orleans (my fave place!) who has been wanting me to come visit. I've been wanting to get back down there and do some things. Plus, I've been thinking about the train trip. The one we were planning 2 years ago-before I found out what was going on. We even had our tickets. Anyway, been wanting to take that trip I was cheated out of. So...putting it all together. Drive to New Orleans and spend a couple days with friend. Catch train from N.O. to Georgia. Spend christmas with my brothers and their people. Take train back to N.O. and spend a couple more days with friend drive home. Instead of Rick and Jackie's excellent vacation (2011)....it will be Jackie's Excellent vacation-2013.
Still, I'd love to see the look on her face when she sees that house, even though I suspect she's been here on the down low at least once and has seen it. I keep wondering how long, if ever, it will take her to find out he's not all he claims to be, etc...I dunno. Maybe he wont be that way with her. Or maybe she's a stepford wife kinda girl. When I start thinking those thoughts I try to re-direct them by reading or something. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesnt.
Sister is back at work after being hit by a car while crossing a street a few weeks ago. She was very lucky....I have so much to be thankful for...and I am...
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