1 month

Well today marks the one month anniversary of when I lost my little baby... last night was hard because when the time came for when I left for the hospital all I could think about was i was pregnant and that I would have been going into my fifth month and starting to show already. I just feel numb inside. Knowing what should have been and knowing what is makes it hard to except the reality. Today is not going to be a good day.



Every day I go to get dressed in the morning I am reminded of losing both my little ones. My husband and I moved into our current apartment when I was pregnant with my first child and so I packed away most of clothes thinking in a months time they wouldn\'t fit anyway. Then I lost that child. But with my second pregnancy I was already set and didn\'t have to think about it again. Today when I was getting ready for work I just spent 20 mintues staring at my clothes just thinking that I would have been in my 4th month now and would seeing my stomach getting bigger as the baby grew. But not my baby. Not me. I am so tired of saying not me. My friends and family don\'t know what to say so they don\'t talk about it anymore. They don\'t ask me how I am doing. I had such luck that the day after my d&n i got a massive cold and sinus infection. Really? I mean come on God, why when I am already in physical pain and sad would you hit me more when I am down? I just don\'t understand. I try to, but I can\'t seem to get past not knowing why.
There are days where I wish I could just sleep the entire day away and then there are days where I don\'t mind getting up just wish there weren\'t so many ups and downs. I have days where I could cry the entire day and then days where I should be kept away from people because all i am is mad at the world. I just wish the craziness would stop.