1:00 AM

It's that time in the middle of the night where I start to wonder if I'm just unlovable. 

How can people be so close together and yet so far apart? 

I miss people. But if I see others again I might just push them away. I don't know how else to act. 

Sometimes I just desperately want to talk to someone, but sometimes my brain convinces itself that socializing is such a dangerous and risky thing to do. If I socialize I might end up with awkwardness, unsatisfyingly ended relationships, stress over other's troubles, and the like. 

It's so awful to feel like I know exactly what's wrong but also feel powerless to do anything about it. I honestly wish that I was still clueless sometimes in my mental health storm. Now that I feel I have the responsibility and the know how to do what's right I feel all the more lost and in need of support. I get so tired of doing everything alone but what the hell else am I supposed to do? 

It was my dream to find someone who I could share my mental health and personal developement journey with. The last two people I tried hardest to do that with ended up backfiring on me. I chose the wrong people, I guess. It was immaturity and innacurate judgement of the situation. I feel disillusioned now. The other day I thought about how I used to dream of pleasant close and loving supportive relationships like the ones I read about from story books, and I realized that I don't dream about that seriously anymore. I want it all the same. I want to be loved like every other person on this planet. 

My parent's toxic relationship grates on me and lately my dad has taken to bullying me about turning the lights off. It affects me more than it should. His snide comments. I know he judges me without saying anything and I can feel that. He thinks I'm an awful unworthy person and I know that. I saw an instagram post simply saying "why didn't my dad ever apologize?" and that unlocked a lot of feelings in me. The comments too echoed those same feelings. 

Honestly I've been thinking about how awful and immature men are. I don't have much faith in dating anytime soon with what a god awful disaster it's been. My father figure was an emotionally absent mess who always acted like I was a nuisance. I don't really get men to this day. With the talk of gender inequality going around in society now it makes me wonder if I'll ever find someone who makes me happy that way. And even if I did, would I just ruin it again like I did before? 

I just want to be loved. But when I was loved, I felt unlovable. I think that love comes from knowing a person and slowly getting to like them. I'm not used to it being sudden and logicless. Many people think love is indiscriminate and free and shouldn't be bound like that. I just don't feel love like that. Love that comes from nowhere feels insincere. 

I should appreciate the people I have. I know I have people who care about me. But I also feel abandoned in my absolute lonliness when everyone is busy. I get it, we're adults. They have things to do and expect me to be okay with that. But I still have the social and mental needs of a child. A child who never grew up. 

Handling things on my own is difficult or downright painful and depressing. But I have to do it. I can't fall back on others completely. Even if I did, I doubt my mental health would be any better for it. Things are just so painful right now, today, in this moment. I was dreading this this morning and it came to be. That makes me so sad.