03-04-2016 Our first talk

Had our first real talk tonight.  Tried to explain all the things running through my head, somehow I rambled through it and I think she understood some of it.  I think the biggest thing was that we talked about the baby we lost for the first time.  She said that she never talked to me about the baby before, because she didn't think that I cared.  That was extremely painful to hear.  How horrible of a person am I for my wife to believe that I didn't care about a child that we lost?  Shows how lacking my communication has been for the last 12 years.  I am definitely going to communicate every feeling I have, if I get to opportunity to stay.  Overall I think the conversation went well, lots of things that had never been said finally came out.
As for today, only had a few urges but nothing that I couldn't immediately get out of my head.  I know it will only get harder as time moves forward but for the first time in my life, I'm going to beat this.  For my children mainly and hopefully I will be able to hold my family together.