02/24/19

I almost didn't go to my friend's baby shower yesterday.  I was feeling low in the morning and didn't want to go to an event where the only person I knew was the guest of honor.  I forced myself to get ready and went.  I ended up spending most of my time talking with the mother and grandmother of the lady who was hosting.  I had a great time and glad I saw my friend from college.  She lives in San Diego now and I don't get to see her very often.  

The shower was held in a home in an upscale, gated, canyon neighborhood.  I had not been in that area in years.  I remembered back to when my first husband and I were newly married.  I had really wanted to buy land near that area in an adjacent canyon.  There were two lots next to each other, one lot for 13k and the other for 12k.  I wanted to scrape some money together for a down payment and purchase the lots.  Then develop them for a home.  Had we done so, we would have become owners years later of million dollar properties.  

Being there reminded me of how much I missed out on because I acquiesced to my ex.  We didn't buy the property because he shot the idea down.  There were so many things in my first marriage that we didn't do because of him.  In retrospection, he was a coward, too afraid to take risks, and we lost out on a lot because of him.  

I can't do that anymore.  If I continue to be complacent in my life, letting life happen to mer rather than designing my own life, then I am no better than him.  And if there is anything I want in this life it's to be my own person.