02/23/19

Recently I identified a huge problem in my life.  I don't create my own structure.  All of the major decisions and things that I have done with myself throughout my life have been in reaction to someone else or due to fear of losing financial security. 

I'm now at a point where I can afford to create my life the way I want to create it and I'm pretty much doing nothing with that.  Still just reacting to others and allowing the structure of others to rule my life.  

This morning I had a few free hours to do whatever I wanted and all I did was watch TV.  Most people would say that is a luxury or maybe I just needed to relax, but that is far from the truth.  I watch TV every chance I get.  It's not a luxury it's escapism and avoiding life. There are so many things I could he doing because they need to get done or they are things I genuinely want to do and yet I don't want to put out the effort.  I just want to do nothing and I can't escape it.  

I truly am what I do not want to be, a high functioning depressant.