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• Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.


• I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.


• I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.


• Still haven't decided where to go for Passover/Easter ----- The Living Room or The Bedroom


• PSA: every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.


• Home-schooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.


• I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone


• This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her.

I came into my house, told my dog.... we laughed a lot.

• So, after this quarantine.....will the producers of My 600 Pound Life just find me or do I find them?


• Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal.

I have no clue how this place is still in business.

• My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.


• Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.


• I'm so excited --- it's time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?


• I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to ‘’Puerto Backyarda’’.   I'm getting tired of ‘’Los Living room’’.


• Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.


• Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year".... I'm offended.


• Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under….