Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
Hello,
I read that phrase in a book by Gary Zukav (spelling?). He said that at some point we have to say yes but-now what. Meaning yes you learned bad behaviors in childhood, yes you have been hurt, yes you are a WWLTM-but now what. I am proud to say that I have abstained from my common distractions of men, food, and drama. I need someone to give me my 30 day chip of sobriety. Maybe I should buy myself a charm bracelet and add a charm of significance every 30 days that I stay clean. Funny how a woman who wants nothing to do with a 12-step program is thinking of doing things that are custom to the groups.
Anyway, I am writing because I wanted to discuss what happens after the yes but. I am no longer seeking, praying for, wanting, waiting, hoping, or expecting any man to do anything for me. I don't care about my ex boyfriend or my next boyfriend. I no longer believe that they can or they will save me. I understand that-that job belongs to me and God. The Book states that when we let go of something or rather let of the unhealthy ways we have learned to cope with our uncomfortable feelings we have to find something healthier to replace it with. I started working out and this summer I am trying to increase my endurance for running. I enjoy it, it is hard, I sweat, I curse-but at the end of the work out I feel like I am strong and powerful. I have started writing more here and personally. I enjoy reading and went to the library and got me a stack of books. I pray more and I attempt to meditate (still working on that) and I have started to stretch mindfully. I eat better, I feed my son better. I am getting better but truth be told- I still feel lonely, and empty as hell.
See, I have only gotten to the part in recovery where you really- really begin to understand that a man is not the solution. I understand that hiding and caretaking in others will never heal me. I cant even begin to pretend or fantasize anymore that it will work. I have gained too much understanding to think that the married guy from the gym and I can have a great life together. I am no longer in pain over my last break up nor am I still wanting my dead husband to be resurrected so that I can be saved. I am not waiting on anyone but I am expecting that sooner or later I or rather God will tell me what I need to do to move forward. I don't want to sound like I am whining or complaining. My questions are not coming from a place of pain they are coming from a place of
truth.
I cant answer the question of now what. Right now when I feel lonely and empty I just feel lonely and empty. If I can be honest here- I have not been kissed, hugged, or touched by a man in over a year. That is a lot of nights alone. See, when I read the book I read about women in pain or women in recovery. I could relate to both sides but they left out an important part- the middle. The middle ground is where you cant go back but the way forward is not clear. Hell, I don't even know if I am moving forward it feels more like I am standing still. A life time of taking care of others and wanting others leave a gaping hole of nothingness. Most of my friends are WWLTM much and truthfully I envy their ignorance but not their pain. I listen to them talk about the fantasy, the desire and the strongly held belief that when he does something I will be ok. I envy that because I remember how good that lie felt for me when I believed it. Letting go of the lie, the dream, the fantasy, and the man does not automatically equate to self fulfillment. For me right now it is just a vacancy waiting to be filled. I don't know the answers and I am more than willing to admit that doing it my way never worked. But like most of you I have been in this place and being in this place too long usually ran me right back into old patterns. I wont do that to myself this time. So for now I am praying that guidance, support and assistance comes.
I was telling my brother about my plight and he said Jesus has all that you need- just seek him out. I looked him dead in his face and told him very nicely that the last time I checked Jesus was not making booty calls. Seriously, though I understand that even my desire to have sex is really just a side door distraction from the disease. I get it. With all the faith that I can muster I just have to continue to trust the process.
I read that phrase in a book by Gary Zukav (spelling?). He said that at some point we have to say yes but-now what. Meaning yes you learned bad behaviors in childhood, yes you have been hurt, yes you are a WWLTM-but now what. I am proud to say that I have abstained from my common distractions of men, food, and drama. I need someone to give me my 30 day chip of sobriety. Maybe I should buy myself a charm bracelet and add a charm of significance every 30 days that I stay clean. Funny how a woman who wants nothing to do with a 12-step program is thinking of doing things that are custom to the groups.
Anyway, I am writing because I wanted to discuss what happens after the yes but. I am no longer seeking, praying for, wanting, waiting, hoping, or expecting any man to do anything for me. I don't care about my ex boyfriend or my next boyfriend. I no longer believe that they can or they will save me. I understand that-that job belongs to me and God. The Book states that when we let go of something or rather let of the unhealthy ways we have learned to cope with our uncomfortable feelings we have to find something healthier to replace it with. I started working out and this summer I am trying to increase my endurance for running. I enjoy it, it is hard, I sweat, I curse-but at the end of the work out I feel like I am strong and powerful. I have started writing more here and personally. I enjoy reading and went to the library and got me a stack of books. I pray more and I attempt to meditate (still working on that) and I have started to stretch mindfully. I eat better, I feed my son better. I am getting better but truth be told- I still feel lonely, and empty as hell.
See, I have only gotten to the part in recovery where you really- really begin to understand that a man is not the solution. I understand that hiding and caretaking in others will never heal me. I cant even begin to pretend or fantasize anymore that it will work. I have gained too much understanding to think that the married guy from the gym and I can have a great life together. I am no longer in pain over my last break up nor am I still wanting my dead husband to be resurrected so that I can be saved. I am not waiting on anyone but I am expecting that sooner or later I or rather God will tell me what I need to do to move forward. I don't want to sound like I am whining or complaining. My questions are not coming from a place of pain they are coming from a place of
truth.
I cant answer the question of now what. Right now when I feel lonely and empty I just feel lonely and empty. If I can be honest here- I have not been kissed, hugged, or touched by a man in over a year. That is a lot of nights alone. See, when I read the book I read about women in pain or women in recovery. I could relate to both sides but they left out an important part- the middle. The middle ground is where you cant go back but the way forward is not clear. Hell, I don't even know if I am moving forward it feels more like I am standing still. A life time of taking care of others and wanting others leave a gaping hole of nothingness. Most of my friends are WWLTM much and truthfully I envy their ignorance but not their pain. I listen to them talk about the fantasy, the desire and the strongly held belief that when he does something I will be ok. I envy that because I remember how good that lie felt for me when I believed it. Letting go of the lie, the dream, the fantasy, and the man does not automatically equate to self fulfillment. For me right now it is just a vacancy waiting to be filled. I don't know the answers and I am more than willing to admit that doing it my way never worked. But like most of you I have been in this place and being in this place too long usually ran me right back into old patterns. I wont do that to myself this time. So for now I am praying that guidance, support and assistance comes.
I was telling my brother about my plight and he said Jesus has all that you need- just seek him out. I looked him dead in his face and told him very nicely that the last time I checked Jesus was not making booty calls. Seriously, though I understand that even my desire to have sex is really just a side door distraction from the disease. I get it. With all the faith that I can muster I just have to continue to trust the process.
I can totally relate "I cant answer the question of now what. Right now when I feel lonely and empty I just feel lonely and empty. If I can be honest here- I have not been kissed, hugged, or touched by a man in over a year. That is a lot of nights alone." except that Im married and live with my husband and experience nights like this most of the time.
all this is just a preamble to saying that finding what makes YOU happy, what feeds YOUR soul, what makes YOU feel fulfilled is no easy task but it's also only half the battle. There's no value in pretending that we don't need love. every human being is born needing love. We became WWLTM when we were born to those who could not fulfill those needs. they couldn't show us how to be loved without pain so we never learned to love ourselves without pain.
You said you're meditating. I think that's one of the *best* things you can do (I'm working toward becoming a yoga teacher). Get to know yourself deeply and accept everything you find there - "good" and "bad". And dive into the world. Be open to whatever crosses your path. Try new things even if you've never considered them before. Be open to being surprised by something you never expected. Trust the universe to guide you.
You said you envy your friends their ignorance but not their pain - I feel that so much. Right now I'm all knowledge and pain. But I remember the Self I left behind and she was fucking awesome. So how much better will she be with the knowledge that I'll bring when I find her again.
New, I too have had lonely nights while a man was in bed beside me. From experience I have come to learn that sex and intimacy can at time be two totally different things.
XEcho, yes the cultural aspect of prince charming is one that is still being feed to little girls all over the world today. Is he gay? I doubt it. He just does not exist.
Doreann, It is a good thing that you once knew the fullness of who you are. I cant say that I have ever developed that aspect of my being. For most of my life it has been about finding and keeping someone else in my life. I must admit that I bristled when I read the line that " there is no value in pretending that we don't need love." Because honestly I cant say that I have ever really experienced love in my relationships with men. I am starting to wonder if maybe the love that I really need is my own. Because that is a love that I have yet to have and it is one that I have not even searched for. I still desire to have relationships with men but not in the painful and obsessive ways of my past. There has to be a better option.