Cognitive dissonance is an uncomfortable feeling caused by holding conflicting ideas simultaneously. The theory of cognitive dissonance proposes that people have a motivational drive to reduce dissonance. They do this by changing their attitudes, beliefs, and actions. Dissonance is also reduced by justifying, blaming, and denying.

People are biased to think of their choices as correct, despite any contrary evidence. This bias gives dissonance theory its predictive power, shedding light on otherwise puzzling irrational and destructive behavior.

So...I am denying the obvious and being predicably irrational in attempt to reduce the dissonance...revelation....

I, too have been rolling around that concept of cognitive dissonance in my mind---I read about it for the first time yesterday on one of the posts. It makes total sense what you are saying about how our minds interpret incoming information from another; they say they love us--we interpret this according to our own reality, and we know that we would never tell another person this unless we were sincere. Then they go and totally betray us, and it`s hard to wrap our heads around this very distinct betrayal. An analogy for this that I see is where someone physically resembles two people, and the two resemblances are demarcated down the middle. As we dance with these people (the damaged men in our lives) and the dance involves a series of executed moves, we see these sides, distinct and separate, but it is seemingly momentarily. As we dance more, we see the separate sides more, and our memory begins to remember that this is so. By that time, however, we begin to accept both sides, because we are attached and by now crave whatever we can get. It is like a drug. It is also a very physical pain as you are weaning yourself off this drug---but of course, the only alternative is taking more of the poison itself which would, in the end, kill you.

I am so sorry you are experiencing this pain this morning....I do understand....and you are right, what he has said has been an illusion. Knowing that, I think, is one of the most painful things of all, because love and the concept and thought of love is quite powerful. It is very tightly woven into our psyches, our culture. Yesterday I watched a great movie, Water for Elephants. It was a feel-good movie, one that perked me up a bit. Is there something you can do for yourself today that is loving, Merrylegs....take yourself on a loving date with yourself to something that nourishes your soul...I am thinking of you and sending out positive energy to you. Take care. You can do this, you will survive. xoxo

I think, too, that the title you have, Yearning, is very well-put in a situation like this. It is definitely a yearning, an intense craving. I think it is why we sometimes gain weight after such a break-up---trying to fill that yearning. I like how you talk about the effort to sustain rational thought in all this. It is rational thought that is needed, but oh, so hard. And in a love-relationship, rationality is needed, because there are a lot of tricksters out there.

Red Flag exercise:
Make a list of every red flag that you ignored and every time he treated you disrepectfully, you caught him in lies, cheating, etc. Every time you even think about contacting him, emailing, texting. Pull out that list and ask yourself: This is what I miss? THIS?

If you have to, put each and every red flag on a separate index card and tape them around your bedroom as a constant reminder of the pain of this relationship.

What you had (that you cant possibly miss) is a pathological relationship. What you miss, is the ability to wrap yourself up like a blanket in the illusion to go back to the time before you knew this was all illusion.

To my friends here...thank you..I just returned from dinner and by happenstance saw him. The thought was "he might be coming from her house" then the feeling of betrayal hurt and desire to text him or email him.."call him out" came across me..Then I stopped myself and said no go to your blog get support. He is sick..you are getting healthy and whole.. thank you for reminding me of the red flags..I am going to do that write them down and remind myself of all the things I tolerated for his illusionary love. I can't thank you enough for your support here. It really is helping me.

It is really hard to wrap your head and heart around...that someone that supposedly told you he loved you, made love to you, obsessed on you at one time can just walk away, start another relationship and treat you like you don't exist or worse like the enemy. Bec usae we can truly love someone it is really hard to comprehend how this can happen...but they are sick, they can not love someone..they only use them for thier gratification and they are very good at manipulating that...really htey should go into acting, they are naturally very good at it.

I totally feel for you, becuase I know exactly how you feel and can so relate. It is a miserable experience to go thorugh and I wish we could just go through it and come out the other end done with it, but the feelings of hurt linger as much as we focus on them and our loss. The only thing I know how to do to get through this is to keep reminding myself what an empty shell he is and how unlucky the next woman will be when my mind goes to him and then I go on to think about what I want to do with my life, with this moment, with tomorrow and try to do something towards it....one step and a time, one minute at a time somedays....

Oh the illusion of it all. The mental torment. They are sick and cannot be fixed. The aftermath for me has been the worst. I still have the cognitive diss.... not to the degree I did in the begining its getting better. I can now see the other female suffering as well and not all happy go lucky. He wont change he cant. He was all in love with me and the cruelity I sustained after the first year was nuts. It will happen with her too. It will become with mine the trying to drive her out and if she doesnt go then she gets to live with his misery that he has slowly gotten her to adapt to. You cant be an angry anti sociopath narcssist all of your life then all of a sudden change it. Mask it yes for a certain time period..even then there are signs but we are to smitten to see them. Yup my past is definitely her future. What a horrible place to be.

Thank you sweet ladies of compassion.. All your words ring true..Yesterday, nearly killed me. I didn't know I could hurt so deeply. I kept trying to visualize my "little girl" and putting my arms around her telling she is worthy. I tried to go for a run and ended up lying in a field grieving hysterically. With that I received an unknown call, he changed his number I guess, he left a message telling me he always meant what he said, and truly loved me. WOW that hurt even more.......I cried and cried and cried and reread my journal of all the things he did that hurt me. The incessant lies trying to make himself something he wasn't...I still hurt.. then miraculously I woke up this morning feeling better. Certainly, not pefect..but much better. I tried my run again, this time I smiled at "God" in nature, I heard the birds and heard a faint whisper...there is hope..keep going...So today...I am letting go a little more of the illusion. I want to believe he loved me, I want to believe he meant all those enduring words of love, but I remind myself, love does not do this. Love is KIND...it does not hurt the weak and vulnerable, it holds, nourishes...and mends the soul. I hope there is such a thing as true love and for that matter a soul mate. I question that thought...especially because the little girl in me wants to believe there is a man out there that will love me more than anything in this world..be my true love..(not just tell me that)...I have hope today..Hope is what sustains survivors in horrible traumatic situations.....thank you and warm love to all of you!!!!

My counselor told me not to consider him SICK anymore, because that leaves me with a impression he can get well, or some sort of treatment to at least make him better. The sociopath I know is pure evil with a seared conscious.

He is sick, but a sick that can't get better. He is a mentally sick person that will never be able to love and feel empathy for anyone else.

GOOD JOB walking away, that is awesome and you are incredibly strong. keep it up. we are here for you.