You wouldnt be saving him you would be enabling him. The kindest thing that you can do for him is to turn away and show him the respect that you have for yourself. Sounds to me like you might benefit from Al-Anon although i am not sure that Australia buys into any of the AA stuff??? You can find Al-Anon meetings on-line

harmony if you're an idiot, i'm not sure what i am cuz I do it all the time as well. Don't feel bad.

Harmony 7 ............... You cannot save him, all you can do is save yourself. It is his journey to take. Have you read "Co dependant No More" by Melodie Beattie? It is natural, to want to help someone we love but the problem with doing that is that it prevents them from "bottoming" and then deciding to helm themselves. It also prevents them from feeling their own consequences, which may lead to them changing their own destructive behaviour. Helping in this way controls them, when they should be learning to control themselves.
I know it is hard, but you as itgurl8 said the kindest thing you can do is show him the respect you have for yourself AND HIM. He has choices too, he is not a helpless child.

Harmony7 I feel exactly that same way. Mine is not an alcoholic, but never makes good choices, is older and a bit befuddled at times as well. He is about a step away from begging on the streets. The idea of him resorting to that is very troubling to me. He can not change his destructive pattern for long. However, choosing your life is what you and I both need to do. It is easier said than done...

(((((Snowy))))) my prayers are with you.......much love x

Compassion Is a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering. You are feeling compassion towards an individual who you believe needs to be saved from themselves. This can not be done. As 5, pointed out, this is their journey, their learning experience. If we keep trying to fix it for them then we are stopping them from learning the life lessons they need to learn. Stopping someone from growth is not in anyone's best interest...yours or theirs.

Compassionate detachment can be defined as the way in which you relate to others when you allow them to deal with their own problems and become responsible for their own issues, while you express a loving concern for the nature of their current predicament, and simultaneously stay detached from the outcome. We must learn to just love them from a distance...a very large distance.

When people get into a rescue mode, they are generally working for their own agenda. As rescuer, we are generally not working so much on the other person’s issue, as on our own. In my case, I referred to this as my messiah complex. I thought that if I loved him enough to I could rescue him from himself and his past...not true...just like us the only way he can be rescued is if he learns to love himself and begins to believe in something bigger than themselves...a higher power or even just humanity.

Another reason that you practice compassionate detachment is to realise that some people leach life energy out of you… in their need to be self absorbed in themselves without any empathy for others, and in their need to be listened to … over and over and over again … they become energy drains. In the case of our N's the supply we provide them is emotionally, physically, and spiritually depleting. I tend to know very quickly when I am with someone like that, because I feel drained after spending some time with them. It is then i have a choice to allow to continue to drain me or practice self-care and leave them to deal with their own issues.

Part of the pain that we experience is because we are nurtures (except when it comes to nurturing who we are). We are empathetic.... we intellectually and emotionally identify the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another. It is hard to watch as others descend in to that downward spiral of self-sabotage. Sometimes we have to be brought to our knees in so that we can rise from the ashes as many of you are well aware of. Only when we suffer the consequences do we understand the need for change.

Much love everyone

beautifully written and explained Rayvyn...thankyou x

I used to do the same thing, worry about him and think only about the tender times. However, in retrospect I see now there were more bad times than good. So why do I continue to waste my life on someone like this? Perhaps we need to worry more about ourselves and less about them...or at least on give them the same amount of thought that they give us! Novel idea...just hit me while reading your post.

And yes, it is the codependent in us that makes us the way we are. As my counselor tells me, we codependents are suckers for potential! We focus so much on them that it's a detriment to us. I agree with one of the prior posts, read Melody Beattie's book...she also has a newer one out called The New Codependency. It's a must read.

People can only save themselves period. No one can save someone else. Its their choice. Just like mine I see him in a rundown one bedroom ghetto place without anything..thats his future and he chose it. I exhausted myself trying to help him and it made me ill.

God help us enabling fools. They are our issues, as much as theirs..WeI can not let someone mistreat us under the guise of love, or even financial need. Those of us with Messiah complexes need to keep repeating that to ourselves.

I know you are all so right in what you say i cannot save him .I must not ever forget that he almost destroyed me whilst trying.He has choices.He chooses to keep drinking and he chose to lie,cheat and abuse me.My self respect now is too great and took to long to regain to contact him again.