first of all welcome back!! we do this together. this stuff is so confusing. no one in life is expected to do it alone. you are not incapable of being happy. that is hog wash. that is a lie from somewhere.

this whole process is becoming clear to me that the end result is to learn how to trust ourselves. we learn to be kind to ourselves. we validate ourselves. we cheer lead ourselves. we become the best friend we could ever have to ourselves.

maybe you could let things sort of have a little distance for a short time so you can learn how to detach in a healthy way. can you re read what you have written every day for a week and see if your eelings and opinions change??? you said you have overcritical parents so in times of crises you really need to be extra kind to yourself.

what can you do to distract yourself in a healthy way?? 20 minutes at a time?? go about your life. clean something?? bake some cookies for your kids?? go out to coffee with a friend but don't talk about him. focus on your friend and what she is saying. can you take a bubble bath?? look at family photos....of your children growing up. start a hobby or a new project. change your sheets. buy yourself some new perfume or flowers or new granny pajamas or fuzzy slippers. brush a dog or a cat, have a conversation with them.....

distract yourself from the computer. if you have to go on the computer search for puppies on google otherwise stay off the computer if you can for 1/2 day at a t time.

you are naturally reacting to the rejection he just dealt you. we're here for you...holding you up to the light. we are your army. lock arms with the sisters next to you....no decisions have to be made right now.........try to loosen your grip and give it all al little space to breathe...........you're okay despite his rejection. you're a mom!!

distract...what are you going to do??

Thank you for your reply. I can't stop crying and I wish I could have a happy relationship without having if rule my whole life. More importantly, I know what is like to live in an unhappy home, but yet, I'm making a horrible environment for my boys to live in, I need to address that.
Your advice about distraction techniques is really helpful thank you, I will definitely try not to talk about it with my friends and listen to what they have to say.
A bit about my background: my father was emotionally and physically abusive to me, he drank to excess at times. He criticised everything I did or felt, I could not express myself without him making fun of me or saying that I was wrong. I was molested by a family friend and he did not believe me nd forced me to be polite and friendly towards that man.
Parents were always arguing and hated each other mainly because my dad is a promiscuous
homosexual, my mother knew but decided to stay with him

ugh, DEAR DOG!! that is so incredibly invalidating i can't believe it!! i'm so sorry that happened. how awful.

you get why going out with a friend and not talking about him is a healthy distraction right? it' snot meant to make you feel bad or stop you from reaching out or shut you up or stop you from talking or even b/c they are tired of it....we don't know that.....

i only meant it as a distraction that we can do ffor 20 minutes is to show up for someone else and let our problems slip away as we get engaged with someone we love........

please don't stop talking or reaching out!! and please don't assume your friends are tired of hearing about him....check it out with them first. IF they are it's not personal it's b/c they feel helpless and you can come here to talk.....if they aren't just realize that it is difficult for our friends to watch us make poor decisions and not take their advice for making things better for yourself.....we can burn them out b/c wwltm are not rational or healthy or balanced like most women..........but you always have place here!!!!

your dad has not treated you with the respect that you deserve....it's okay to cry. it lets off steam.......you are not broken, your picker is.....it's not YOU it's about the choices you make. this means it's not necessarily forever okay...try not to future trip on future relationships......just go a day at a time and whenever you feel crazed and want to crawl out of your skin use a distraction skill.........

so proud of you for coming back and reaching out!!

Bigs hugs. What you are going through with him is very emotionally draining and confusing. He is giving you completely mixed signals. He tells you he wants to be with you, but he is still living with his ex.

I think you already know the best thing for you in this situation, you just don't trust your gut feeling because you were raised with the overcritical parents. Trust that feeling. I think you have every right to feel bad about this situation. He is still living like family with her and that's completely wrong. You deserve much, much better. The confusion I think and the need for answers is what is causing you to obsessively check her profile? I know when I was with my ex, I would constantly check his online dating profile, multiple times a day. He knew I did that and manipulated me about that.

It's very hard, but trust yourself, accept what you are perceiving, and I think the best thing here is to end contact with this man. He is ruining your life. My policy is: if a man does not overall make my life better, he is not worth my time.

Big hugs. You are not alone. You deserve better X

Sending you hugs! You are not incapable of being happy! Happiness is a right:) if this man is causing you this much stress, pain and anguish you need to remove yourself from the situation. You don't deserve to be treated like that and you must remind yourself of that! Focus on yourself. I have had a massive break through recently in really accepting that i am responsible for my own happiness, and if a nice man comes along he should only be the icing on the cake. He should not be bringing you down!

so true the icing on the cake. relationships are an extension of our whole selves. and a mirror to how we treat ourselves and feel about ourselves....

I could have written your post - probably still could even though I am married now. My girlfriends used to take my phone off me!

I was exactly the same way as you, exactly the same reaction. I understand how draining and frustrating it is. I think the reason I was in such a hurry to marry this man is so I could stop all the angst! and here I still am. The issues lie with me I know that now ( although he has his too for sure!)

anyway my point is. THis starts and stops with you. Where can you start.?

My opinion or take on your situation with this guy is that he is still in a relationship with his wife. It doesn't matter that he says they sleep separately or not. They still have a life together…and I don't think it is healthy for you to get involved with this person. He is disrespecting you and his wife.

Its not a good time and if I were you I would listen to your instincts and leave well alone.
If he comes back to you when he has sorted his life out then great but right now this is messing with your head!

You deserve better, YES you do. We all do. He isn't being honest with you or his wife and its just not a good place to start off is it.

Give yourself a moment, focus on your children and focus on healing yourself. So you can stop chasing this unavailable man and open yourself up to a man who is available.

Deep breath, start a fresh. Give yourself and your family that. They need you more than he does, and more than you need him.
xxx

Thank you all, your advice has been really valuable, in particular the fact that I have a choice and some control on the situation, which I have not felt before. He said he didn't feel enough so we ended things, then he said that he regretted splitting up so we got back together, at no point what I wanted or felt mattered.
It's the feeling or not having any control in the situation which affects me the most.
I know all this and yet I feel unable to let go :(

Its YOUR life.
You have control.

In fact we all CHOOSE how we let someone make us feel.

This is a great opportunity to take back control of your life and tell him you deserve more than he has to offer you….bye. and DO that. And mean it.
x

anamarie, how's it going since this post??

Hi,
I have been using the distraction techniques which have helped me with the obsessive behaviour and thoughts. His ex has now moved out, i think, but I think I am able to distance myself from the situation.
I have an invitation today to go for coffee with a male friend, I know he likes me, and i like him too so I'm gonna try and see if I can date someone casually without sex for a while.
:)

GOOD FOR YOU!

I have just re-read my advice to you and I really should heed it myself!

Go for the coffee, what have you to lose! Have fun, be flirty, LIVE LIFE!
x

thanks for checking in...