Is that interesting that a highly dysfunctional person would project his inner self onto other and decide that everyone is dysfunctional?

Is anyone PERFECT? Not unless you are a Messiah. Is everyone PATHOLOGICALLY DYSFUNCTIONAL? No, just 1 out 5.

I could name 5 really good marriages right out of the top of my head. People that geninuelly care about their partner, that have a healthy marriage, that care about their children.

Do they argue? yes. Do they have disagreements yes? Do they cheat on each other? No Do they degrade each other and call each other names? No. Does their relationships validate them? Yes. Do they walk on eggshells because they are so scared of their partners or their partners emotional reactions? No. Is there any abuse? Sexual, emotional, physical? No

Are they intimate (not meaning sex but showing their true selves to each other because they have nothing to hide) Yes

So big, big difference. I hope you have some happy marriages in your life that you can view and see the difference between a healthy (not perfect) relationship and a pathological relationship where everything is topsy turvy and there is no trust.

Remember this criteria: Does this relationship validate you? Does it make you feel good? Does it make you feel like a better person?

I needed to read this today. I am so lonely & bored now that I walked away from my toxic relationship with my boyfriend 10 days ago I was actually thinking about going to see him just to get some excitement in my life. I hate to admit it but I think I have actually gotten addicted to that chaos because it pumps up my adreanline..but I do not miss the pain being inflicted on me and he has been running around with other women since atleast last October..that is why I haven't talked to him on the phone since a week ago today because he called me from another woman's house. I keep telling myself to be patient that I won't be sitting in this house lonely and bored forever. It's only been a week since I confronted him with the cheating and he called me on Saturday, Monday and Tuesday to tell me that I must not know him very well he isn't a cheater. Well he did it right in front of me..so its as plain as day..He put his hand on this girls thigh right in front of me 3 different times in the past 2 yrs and the last time that happened about 3 weeks ago he put his hand on her leg..then he brushed his hand across her thigh..then she lifted up her shirt half way to show him her stomach and then he rubbed her stomach..
Defenitely no trust in this relationhip and everything has been topsy turvy. I never knew how he felt about me or the relationship and if it meant anything to him at all. HIs actions spell out a huge NO!! Of course I feel he meant something to me and that the relationship did too but I guess thats because I am a woman who loves too much!

I was lonely and bored when I met him 3 1/2 yrs and found his lifestyle to be fun and exciting but he was hanging out with other women back then..women who drink..as I don't drink..so that has actually gotten worse. the amount of women have increased..

So yeah I need to stay away no matter how bored and lonely I am..

Sunny,

That must certainly give your pathological a THRILL to put his hands on another women RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU (the audcity) then try to make you think you are insane by saying that you do not know what kind of man he is, that he would never cheat.

Wow, he really puts the pathological in pathological liar.

I would HIGHLY suggest the book: How to Spot a Dangerous Man by Sandra Brown. Your stating that you started seeing him out of boredom is right out of a page from the book:

From Page 51 on How to Spot Dangerous Man:

It was shocking to see how women chose to get involved with dangerous or pathological men out of boredom. Equally disconcerting was seeing how women continue to date dangerous men because they refused to evaluate their own histories. What was most noteworthy was the overwhelming need of most of the women to not be alone. There was an unspoken fear of long term abandonment, which turned out for most women to equate to not currently dating.

For the women I interviewed, the idea of dating someone causally for a lengthy period was fairly obsolete. These women were in a hurry to get into a relationship. Most implied they were above dating for mere attention. None wanted to admit they feared loneliness, abandonment, or the status of not dating; they exhibited these fears in the way they downplayed the behavior of the dangerous man.

Women who got involved with dangerous men usually dated intensely and allowed the relationship to get sexual quickly. They moved in with him within months of meeting him or married him impulsively during the first year of the relationship. Others were knowingly and willingly available for married men.

IGNORED RED FLAGS

Women tended to believe they were going to be the exception to what their red flags were telling them. They believe the red flags would prove to be wrong this time, with this man, for some miraculous reason they could not explain logically. These women already had experiences with red flags; yet still the women overrode them. FANTASY THINKING overrode fact. Women preferred to focus on the manâs good points and to diminish, ignore, deny or reframe his negative, dangerous or dissatisfying character traits. Women confused good manners (polite, paid for things) with good character.

Women were willing to accept some attention (usually a physical or sexual relationship along with some semblance of an emotional connection) in exchange for flaws in the relationship.

And this makes my teeth hurt (where is my picture by this sentence? Apparently my previous behavior was just as predictable as the pathologicals)

Women would tell themselves things like: He is no one I would get serious with, just someone to do things with.

This type of justification means you are not listening to your inner safety system. But as you continue to see him, you are forced to focus on only the good things about him (For me it was focusing on his consistent pattern of behavior; he does what he says he is going to do, he always shows up, etc.)

I remember when XN told me that his wife would show up to his house at 3am banging on the door and demanding to be let in because she was sure he was with someone. I told him: Why would she want to be serious with someone like you?

Meanwhile dating this guy just for fun is dismantling your red alert system. Soon all those alarms buzzing inside of you are just a numbed vibration.

And the Super traits probably apply to you as well:

THE SUPER TRAITS

Millions of dollars have been spent on researching the mind of the fascinating psychopaths, but no one but Sandra has researched what draws women to them. Enter the Super Traits.

Women who love psychopaths have some very interesting traits. Women who ended up with these types of me were tested using the TCI (Temperament and Character Instrument). They test off the charts high in the following:

Excitement Seeking, Extraversion and Dominance. I had a resistance to dominance, as I do not consider myself a dominant person, but she explained that dominance encompasses people that feel like they are very in control of their lives.

In these 3 areas, the women scored almost as high as psychopaths. That is the draw, the magnet that pulls them in and draws them to each other.

Aside from those 3 traits, the women were in the 97% percentile for the following traits:

Competitive
Sentimentality
Bonding
Attachment
Tolerance
Friendliness
Empathy
Helpfulness
Compassion
Responsibility
Purposefulness
Resourcefulness
Loyalty
Trust

And that is where the see-saw comes in. Dangerous men are severely lacking if not completely deficient in all of these traits. He pretends to have them and her overage of these traits evens them out. She is over empathic, he has zero. Her empathy covers for his complete lack.

Women who love psychopaths tested very high in relationship investment and positive sociability. These are the kinds of women psychopaths like to target. "These cooperation traits are her drawing card to a psychopath. Her over-flowing empathy, tolerance, friendliness, compassion, supportiveness and her moral principles are what balance the lopsided scales of the relationship with him, since he lacks these qualities.

This delicate balance helps to camouflage the glaring gaps of the character traits between them. Her cooperativeness helps to smooth out the character he doesn't have and makes the relationship seem more normal. We think that very high cooperativeness is the most significant reason these specific women were targeted. Psychopaths instinctively know that women high in cooperativeness will stay in relationships with them longer."

Being aware of these Super Traits is very important. If you need a lot of excitement in your life then you should finds ways to build excitement that does not include dangerous relationships and drama. If you are over empathetic, then you should rescue dogs or volunteer at a shelter and not use the empathy in your romantic relationships.