Women who Love too Much Community Group
WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.
Hello,
It is hot here in the South. Yikes, I went out side to sweep off my porch and within minutes I was pouring down in sweat. The days here are beautiful but unbearable. I want to sit outside so badly but I cant take the sun for long. Such is life though. The weekend is here but since my son is out of school everyday feels like the weekend. We workout, we go to the pool, and then we chill. It really is turning out to be a great summer with very little planning or effort on my part. I was worried about how I would fill our days but activities an opportunities presented themselves with little effort from me.
There is a moment between being asleep and being awake and I feel like in that moment God tries to give me much needed information. I woke up this morning thinking "while I was waiting." It sounds like the title of a good summer read but for me it was information about myself and what it taking place in my life right now. I can't really recall a time in my life when I was not waiting for something else to occur before I could live. I was waiting for my parents to get their shit together, I have been waiting for lovers to get their shit together, friends, family, etc. While I was waiting for someone to change, someone to come, someone to notice, someone to validate me, love, accept me, want me, call me, come see me.....I ignored my own life. I have gotten my toenails painted, had my nails done, changed hairstyles, graduated from college, attempted grad school, started and stop working several times, moved countless times, and it all really was just filler while I was waiting.
Nothing that I was doing or had done really had any significance to me while I waiting. I read the Book, I met friends, I started a hobby, I planted a garden, I lost 70 pounds, I volunteered at my son's school, I volunteered at the AIDS clinic, I went to a play, I saw a performance, all while still looking around...waiting.
I have been waiting all of my life for something to come into my life or rather someone to come into my life and give it meaning, purpose, happiness, and joy. I received a message in childhood that I in and of myself was not nor would I ever be enough. There was no malice intention on anyone's part in that but what happened was I watched those around me waiting on others- always waiting on others to do or be something before they could live. My cousin's wife and I at one time were really close. She, too, is a WWLTM and currently her heath is quickly declining. I stopped talking to her frequently because I needed to distance myself from her. At one time, we keep each other's miserable company. I cant be that for her anymore. Anyway, I spoke with her briefly the other night and she told me she was depressed-not wanting to talk for days, she is in terrible pain because of her back- she has kidney stones and her sugar level is really high. She is maybe mid 40's and quickly declining.
I wanted to tell her that you will be dead soon, your husband will remarry within a year, your daughter who is physically handicap will be in an adult care home, and your adult son will still be crazy as hell. Cause truthfully while we are waiting on others we are losing ourselves.
I have to realize that no one is coming and even if they did they don't have what I need anyway. I have been married and was still in pain, I have gotten others to do what I needed them to do and I was still in pain, I have got the job I really wanted, moved to a better location, and yet still I was in pain. There is a fundamental shift that is taking place here that I can see but not fully grasp. Nothing is coming, nothing is needed from others, so what is it that I really need? Maybe, all I can hold onto now is a better question. A question that can offer me a truthful answer. A question based on a true need. Today I am still waiting but today is the first time that I am waiting on an answer for myself from myself. Today and moving forward I am only waiting on myself and believe it or not I believe that I am well worth waiting for.
It is hot here in the South. Yikes, I went out side to sweep off my porch and within minutes I was pouring down in sweat. The days here are beautiful but unbearable. I want to sit outside so badly but I cant take the sun for long. Such is life though. The weekend is here but since my son is out of school everyday feels like the weekend. We workout, we go to the pool, and then we chill. It really is turning out to be a great summer with very little planning or effort on my part. I was worried about how I would fill our days but activities an opportunities presented themselves with little effort from me.
There is a moment between being asleep and being awake and I feel like in that moment God tries to give me much needed information. I woke up this morning thinking "while I was waiting." It sounds like the title of a good summer read but for me it was information about myself and what it taking place in my life right now. I can't really recall a time in my life when I was not waiting for something else to occur before I could live. I was waiting for my parents to get their shit together, I have been waiting for lovers to get their shit together, friends, family, etc. While I was waiting for someone to change, someone to come, someone to notice, someone to validate me, love, accept me, want me, call me, come see me.....I ignored my own life. I have gotten my toenails painted, had my nails done, changed hairstyles, graduated from college, attempted grad school, started and stop working several times, moved countless times, and it all really was just filler while I was waiting.
Nothing that I was doing or had done really had any significance to me while I waiting. I read the Book, I met friends, I started a hobby, I planted a garden, I lost 70 pounds, I volunteered at my son's school, I volunteered at the AIDS clinic, I went to a play, I saw a performance, all while still looking around...waiting.
I have been waiting all of my life for something to come into my life or rather someone to come into my life and give it meaning, purpose, happiness, and joy. I received a message in childhood that I in and of myself was not nor would I ever be enough. There was no malice intention on anyone's part in that but what happened was I watched those around me waiting on others- always waiting on others to do or be something before they could live. My cousin's wife and I at one time were really close. She, too, is a WWLTM and currently her heath is quickly declining. I stopped talking to her frequently because I needed to distance myself from her. At one time, we keep each other's miserable company. I cant be that for her anymore. Anyway, I spoke with her briefly the other night and she told me she was depressed-not wanting to talk for days, she is in terrible pain because of her back- she has kidney stones and her sugar level is really high. She is maybe mid 40's and quickly declining.
I wanted to tell her that you will be dead soon, your husband will remarry within a year, your daughter who is physically handicap will be in an adult care home, and your adult son will still be crazy as hell. Cause truthfully while we are waiting on others we are losing ourselves.
I have to realize that no one is coming and even if they did they don't have what I need anyway. I have been married and was still in pain, I have gotten others to do what I needed them to do and I was still in pain, I have got the job I really wanted, moved to a better location, and yet still I was in pain. There is a fundamental shift that is taking place here that I can see but not fully grasp. Nothing is coming, nothing is needed from others, so what is it that I really need? Maybe, all I can hold onto now is a better question. A question that can offer me a truthful answer. A question based on a true need. Today I am still waiting but today is the first time that I am waiting on an answer for myself from myself. Today and moving forward I am only waiting on myself and believe it or not I believe that I am well worth waiting for.
Yes, we are social creatures, but this needs to be balanced by being with people where there is a mutuality. Combine our needs as social animals to be with other animals to the belief systems that many hold that there will be a second, better life in the World to Come, and you have a recipe for not finding your own positive happiness in the present life. I grew up in a religiously fundamentalist home and I have to fight that mindset daily. I know that there are a lot of believers in God here on the site and please know that I am not saying this as a slam against your beliefs, I'm just making a connection between waiting for something better with the belief in heaven.
Thank you for responding. I attempted to respond yesterday but my computer decided against it. I will attempt to remember what I said yesterday. I am spiritual not religious. To me my relationship with God, whom I call Izzy, is really just about us. I don't feel as if I need a religion to have a relationship. But I have studied most of the main stream religions and I can see the validity in all of them. Do I believe in life after death, yes but I am not sure what that life will look like or feel like. I am not waiting on heaven but I do imagine that there will be a reemerging with the Source of that which I am. I think the waiting on something else of someone else stems from the ego. Eckhart Tolle talks about the endless wanting of the ego that keeps us from living fully in the present moment. A therapist once told me that I like to go down rabbit holes and that at times I should just act. I really wish that during my years of going to therapy that one of them would have said you are a WWLTM or that I was addicted to painful relationships. I am not sure if I could have fully grasp that information then but its nice to imagine that I would have.