Yes I think it is because they always feel like THEY are the victim and want to make us believe that. They seem truly convinced themselves so they are pretty convincing when they try to make us feel guilty for not giving them what they want. We are so used to allowing people to treat us like that so it feels weird/guilty if we try to change that. They usually believe they are entitled to control us, and when we try to take that control back, they think there's something wrong w/ us. Then we in turn feel something must be wrong w/ us. But there's no reason to feel guilty about doing what's right for you.

Hi Jeane,

One of the things that I have learned is that abusive/emtionally unavilalbe men love to find over empathetic women. That is what they target. Last night I was on a weekly support call that I listen to. One of the woman's Xhusband, who she caught frequenting prostitutes and she still felt sorry for him. The call therapist said it simply shows how empathetic we are.

What is important is that you stood firm and did the right thing for yourself. Push your pity aside and do the right thing for your self and your sanity.

I recently posted something about being the Fallback girl. That is what he is looking for, thank goodness you are not longer that girl for him and his bad behavior.

I am proud of you Jeane. You have no reason to feel guilty, no reason at all. You are taking care of yourself!! I applaud you. The guilt we feel is part of our struggle. We are caring and overly empathetic women. We put up with behaviors that many women would run from (and should). We are nice when we should be firm. We have that need to take care of them, love them enough to make it all better. Take away their pain. We think if we do that then he will become "available" and we will live happily ever after. Boundaries are tough with these men. They consider the boundary a challenge to get around. Just like it was a challenge to blow hot and "get us" in the first place. It is a control thing. They will do and say what they have to get the status quo back. Once that is reestablished they will blow cold again. They can continue this cycle forever. We have to be the ones to stop it. These men can not commit to anything..... not even to not having us. Keep doing what you are doing :) Good for you !

Thank you all for your helpful responses. I know in my mind what is best for me. From reading alot of the books, my spiritual friends, and this site I have been able to gain the courage to break this painful cycle. I do believe that somehow they feel they are "the Victim". And that is where the guilt comes from. It does make me feel like I am acting against my own nature. It's pathetic. It was a sick, painful and unhealthy relationship. But as we all know- pain means love. When I keep my focus on ME, I always make the right choices. I just try to remember that I am responsible for my own life, my own happiness. If I want my life to be different, then I have to make choices that will lead to the kind of relationship I want. When I get to feeling down on myself, I think, look how far I've come!! Thank you all again for the supportive input!!

Jeane,

I love that line 'when I keep the focus on me'. I think that is the key. Is this good for me? Is this what I want? Not, I wonder how my love will save this person?

My therapist told me that we can have all the aha moments in the world, but it is only when we take a different ACTION that our circuits begin to rewire in our brains. She said it takes a much higher level of energy to change a pattern then it does to continue a pattern. Change is always uncomfortable and old patterns whisper to us to keep doing what we have always done. But what we have always done has caused us heart ache and grief and we no longer want to live that sort of life.

The definition of insanity...... doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

I agree with Jeane as well. When I focus on myself I KNOW what is best for me and I am full of peace and happy. It is when I start getting into my own head, and into his, that I become a crazy person. If I concentrate on the life I want, and have always wanted things seem so clear.