Women who Love too Much Community Group

WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.

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dayone52415 08/02/2015

Today, he walked passed my house with his daughter on his way back from the grocery store. This is not unusual, as he lives a block away. But I'd been lucky enough to avoid it happening, along with any other contact on my part, for 40 days. I dreaded it happening and knew it would be unsettling, but today it happened. As it was happening, I had one of those, "see, I'm totally strong and this isn't going to affect me at all," kind of out of body feelings, like I used to get when I'd have to stop by my (estranged) mother's house once in a while, only to end up shaking, having nightmares, totally retraumatized by just the sight of the house and all that happened there. Of course, these things are never as harmless as I'd like to believe they are, and of course, it has affected me.

I'm awake, the nightmares and flashbacks are back, and I'm angry that he couldn't at least give me the courtesy of staying off of my block. He doesn't get it. Of course he doesn't. Abusers don't comprehend the impact of their abuse or the shattered lives they leave in their wake. At least I hope they don't, because that would make it even more cruel, just walking by and recrushing the shattered pieces I'd been reassembling into a new healthy stronger life. I believe logically, that he has no conscious understanding of the struggle that every day has been for almost a year since he betrayed me, made up stories about me and threatened me to "protect himself and his daughter" from a crazy babymama who demanded I be evicted from his life or lose his daughter, thoroughly twisting my world into an endless nightmare of confusion, pain and chaos.

I'm determined to go through all the pain I need to to face my own emptiness, to never ignore future red flags, and I know keeping my silence in response to what feels like an ongoing attack from him is part of this. But it feels so cruel. He would say I'm being such a victim, to shame me for being affected by him. I just want it to stop. I'm doing all the things I need to do for me...therapy, group support, reading, reaching out, forming new healthy friendships, filling my life and awareness with nothing but healthy positive people and things. I want to ask him to stop, but I can't. How do you stop the abuse if you can't make it stop?

Maybe the answer is as simple as giving it more time...but right now it feels so futile. Crumbling again after all the strength I thought I had built. I prayed I wouldn't have to see him until I could just see through him as the powerless, sick, lying, delusional meanie pants he is. I'm sure this is a test in some way, but I failed. How do I keep from losing all that hard work, over and over again?

tenntiff 08/02/2015

Dear sister, I don't think you have lost any hard work or have done anything in vain. You have a strength and a fire in you that he can never have. Slowly you are overcoming the pain, sorrow, and suffering he chose to be a part of. This takes time but you are making progress, whether you realize it or not. I believe in you. I support your efforts. I applaud you for your courage.

yougospam 08/02/2015

that first seeing is a killer. I saw my ex at a restaurant with his daughters, my counselor had told me to mentally prepare myself for this first seeing and so I was prepared. It was shocking to see him/them. My sister was with me and tried to steer me out of the restaurant but when I saw what she was shielding me from, I pushed her aside and went right up to the table, he stood, we gave each other a hug (it was so wonderful that it almost broke me) but I let go and turned my attention to his girls and acted like I was fine. I held it together until later that night, then I had my pity party and let the tears flow.

You are doing fine, since he lives so close you are bound to run into or see him from time to time. Mine lives close by too and it sucks to see them living life.....with out us. Stay strong, look forward not back and remember, we can do hard things and this breakup is definately hard. We will survive, it just takes a lot of time, tears and heart ache and determination. Hugs!!!!!!!

dayone52415 08/02/2015

Thank you so much for your reply! One thing I did differently this time is share my desperation with you all instead of him, thereby keeping my poise (even if just on the outside, I feel just as defeated as ever on the inside) and refraining from giving him the chance to make me feel less than all over again. So that's something I guess. I really appreciate the support. I'm not great at this higher power thing, but gradually turning to people who won't hurt and asking for help feels like a step in the right direction. Thank you for hearing me and being there!

shani96 08/04/2015

Dayone I just want to remind you that you CANNOT lose what you have gained. It may feel like you are going backwards but you are starting from a whole new point. Your momentum is constantly forward it sounds like. So give yourself a break and know that little by little you are moving forward and someday soon you will be able to look right at him and tell yourself "what did I ever see in him?" It just takes time. I think we don't really look at all the time it took for the relationship to actually fail. I think we think we were just blindsided by it all and it all just happened. But if we look at the relationship honestly it took a while to deteriorate and it will take a while for us to mend. As WWLTM we tend to ignore all the red flags.

Living in the same neighborhood is probably very difficult, but could you go somewhere else, even in your house and close the blinds when you notice him walking by? To sit and watch and THINK we can handle it in the beginning is setting yourself up for failure. Do whatever you can to avoid him, even if it means YOU taking an action.

You are doing so well give yourself a big ((((hug)))). And don't ever be afraid to take a few steps backwards when you are working soooo hard at moving forward. : )

flteach8 08/08/2015

I can completely understand this feeling. I haven't seen my ex of 12 yrs since Jan 2014. We broke up Feb 2014. Not a peep from him since April 2014. Of course he found someone else, my world was shattered etc. But the other day I walked right by his best friend and his BF's wife in the mall and let me tell you , I wasn't prepared for the emotions. That was the closest I have come to my ex in a year and a half. And even though it wasn't physically my ex it was someone who is close to him. It was def a trigger that's for sure.

I think we can feel so powerful at times but it takes one small minute thing to bring us back down to that dark place again. I don't know the solution except to just continue to work on the healing and taking care of yourself. We can probably never fully prepare for these setbacks anyway. I hope if I ever do run into him one day I will be way far past him and the healing has been done. Because otherwise I worry what seeing him will do to my soul.

osahermosa 08/14/2015

I think you have not lost your work. It may feel like it. But the fact that you are aware of all these things makes it very different from the person you were before. The fact that you are working it trough makes is different too. I am powerless over ...that is the first step of recovery...I would look into the 12 step program and see what can be applied there...the first step is painful but it works. Then the second is very helpful too because it tell me that only a Higher Power can restore me to sanity - forme that means God can give me the power to stop abuse...very good luck.

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